I dunno fanfic
The Great Castle Lockdown
The flickering light of the television cast long, distorted shadows across the grand hall of the Mushroom Kingdom’s new castle. On the screen, a yellow Teletubby was dancing in a field of flowers, its nonsensical gibberish providing a bizarre soundtrack to the most surreal scene SMG4 had ever witnessed.
Mario was fast asleep, his head tilted back against the velvet cushions of the sofa. His snoring was loud, rhythmic, and occasionally interrupted by a muffled "spaghetti" mumbled into the void. Wrapped around him like a protective cocoon of chrome and carbon fiber were the three drones. Uzi had claimed his chest, her visor displaying a series of peaceful 'ZZZ' icons. V was draped over his legs, her bladed wings folded tightly like a metallic blanket, and J sat rigidly upright against his side, her eyes flickering open every few seconds to scan the room for threats before she allowed herself to lean back into his shoulder.
"This is a disaster," SMG4 whispered, standing behind the sofa with Meggy and Tari. "A total, absolute, meme-tier disaster."
"I don't know," Tari said softly, clutching her hands to her chest. "They look... actually kind of cute? Look at the way the purple one is holding his hand."
"Tari, that 'purple one' threatened to turn my lungs into confetti ten minutes ago," Meggy countered, her hand resting on the holster of her Splatgun. "They’re dangerous. We don't know where they came from or what that purple vortex was. For all we know, they’re some kind of invasive species."
As if sensing the hostility, J’s visor snapped to life. A yellow ring narrowed as she glared at Meggy. "Invasive? I’ll have you know I am a top-tier corporate asset from JCJenson in Spaaaaace! My presence here is an upgrade to this dilapidated fortress."
"Oh, shut up, J," Uzi muttered without opening her eyes. "You’re just mad because the human’s mustache is softer than your bed back at the landing pod."
"It is structurally impressive," J admitted, her voice dropping to a whisper so as not to wake Mario.
V’s tail, tipped with a glowing syringe of nanite acid, flicked back and forth dangerously close to SMG4’s nose. "If any of you try to move him, I’m going to practice my surgical skills on your faces. He’s the first thing in this universe that doesn't scream when I look at him. I’m keeping him."
SMG4 threw his hands up in the air. "Fine! Keep him! But can you at least let him go so he can use the bathroom? Or, I don't know, eat something that isn't couch-pizza?"
"No," the three drones said in unison.
The stalemate continued into the evening. The rest of the crew eventually retreated to the kitchen to discuss their options. Bob was busy trying to figure out if he could sell the drones' metallic plating on the black market, while Boopkins was just happy there were new "anime-looking" girls in the house.
Inside the kitchen, the mood was tense.
"We need to get them off him," Meggy said, pacing the floor. "Mario is an idiot, but he’s our idiot. We can't just let three killer robots treat him like a giant stuffed animal."
"But they aren't hurting him," Tari pointed out. "In fact, they seem... obsessed with his safety. Did you see how Uzi jumped in front of that hologram earlier?"
"It’s a glitch in their programming," SMG4 theorized, rubbing his chin. "They come from a world of ice and death. They probably haven't seen a warm-blooded human in years. Mario is like a portable space heater that smells like oregano. To them, he’s the most precious resource on the planet."
Suddenly, a loud crash echoed from the main hall. The crew sprinted back to find Mario awake, trying to stand up, but failing miserably because V was still latched onto his ankles.
"Mario needs to go to the fridge!" Mario yelled, dragging his legs across the floor with V still attached. "The stomach is-a growling! It’s-a hungry for the meatball!"
"I will fetch the sustenance for you, human," J said, standing up and smoothing out her skirt. "Specify the coordinates of the meatballs."
"They're in the kitchen, lady!" Mario pointed.
J marched into the kitchen like a soldier on a mission. She shoved past Bob, nearly knocking the hooded garo over. She scanned the refrigerator with a red laser from her visor, identified a bowl of leftover spaghetti, and marched back to the sofa.
"Here," J said, presenting the bowl to Mario with a stiff bow. "Consume. Maintain your biological integrity."
Mario didn't need to be told twice. He began shoveling the pasta into his mouth with his bare hands. Uzi watched him with a mixture of disgust and fascination.
"Do you always eat like a feral animal?" she asked, her visor displaying a confused emoji.
"It’s-a the only way to live!" Mario chirped, a noodle hanging from his nose.
Uzi sighed, reaching up to pluck the noodle away. "You’re a mess. A total, literal disaster. I love it."
V, meanwhile, was distracted by something else. She had spotted SMG4’s pet, Eggdog, waddling across the floor. Her eyes turned into wide yellow circles. "Is that a snack?"
"No! V, no!" Tari screamed, lunging forward to scoop up the round dog. "That’s a friend! Not food!"
V tilted her head, her claws extending slightly. "Everything is food if you try hard enough."
"Not in this house!" SMG4 stepped in, trying to exert some authority. "Listen, you three. If you’re going to stay here, there are rules. Rule number one: No killing the residents. Rule number two: No eating the pets. And rule number three: Mario needs personal space!"
Uzi stood up, her railgun humming as it began to glow green. "Rule number one: I don't take orders from people who look like they spent their lives in a basement. Rule number two: Mario is the only person here we care about. If you try to separate us, I’ll blow a hole in that ugly statue in the courtyard."
"Hey! That statue cost a lot of coins!" SMG4 yelled.
Mario, finished with his spaghetti, let out a massive burp that shook the chandeliers. The three drones stared at him in awe.
"Magnificent," J whispered. "Such raw power."
Mario stood up, finally managing to shake V off his legs. "Okay, new friends! Mario is-a going to show you the best part of the castle!"
"The armory?" Uzi asked hopefully.
"The oil reserves?" J inquired.
"The nursery?" V grinned wickedly.
"The game room!" Mario cheered.
He waddled off toward the stairs, and like a trail of loyal ducklings, the three drones followed him. Uzi hovered close to his shoulder, J walked with a disciplined stride behind him, and V climbed along the walls like a predatory insect, her eyes never leaving the back of Mario’s head.
The SMG4 crew followed at a safe distance. They watched as Mario led them into a room filled with arcade machines, bean bags, and a giant wide-screen TV connected to a Nintendo Switch.
"This is where Mario does the sports!" he announced, grabbing a controller.
For the next three hours, the castle was filled with the sounds of *Mario Kart*. It was a sight that defied logic. Mario was teaching Uzi how to drift, while J was taking the game incredibly seriously, analyzing the physics of the blue shell with corporate precision. V, however, was mostly interested in the fact that she could make her character explode.
"I win again!" Mario danced around the room. "You guys are-a losers! Losaaa-hers!"
Normally, anyone who insulted a Murder Drone would find themselves missing a head. But as Mario pointed and laughed at them, the three girls just sat there, blushing.
"He’s so competitive," J whispered, her visor flickering. "It’s an admirable trait in a leader."
"I’m gonna wreck him in the next round," Uzi grumbled, though her digital eyes were shaped like hearts.
V just giggled, poking Mario’s belly with a retracted claw. "He jiggles when he laughs. I want to see if he’s made of marshmallows."
As the night grew deeper, the chaotic energy began to fade. The drones, despite being machines, seemed to be affected by the sheer "Mario-ness" of their environment. The constant noise, the bright colors, and the plumber’s infectious, idiotic joy had done something to their processors. They weren't just hunting an asset anymore; they were genuinely enjoying themselves.
Eventually, Mario yawned, his eyelids drooping. "Mario is-a pooped. Time for the big sleep."
He didn't even make it to his bedroom. He flopped onto a giant bean bag in the center of the game room.
The drones looked at each other. There was a silent communication—a digital acknowledgement of their shared territory. They moved in perfect unison.
Uzi curled up against Mario’s left side, her head resting on his shoulder. J took the right side, sitting upright like a loyal bodyguard, her hand resting protectively on his arm. V didn't even bother with the bean bag; she draped herself over the top of the pile, her wings creating a silver canopy over all of them.
From the doorway, the SMG4 crew watched.
"I guess they’re staying," Meggy said, leaning against the doorframe. She looked less angry now, more resigned. "He’s actually handled them better than we did."
"Mario has a way with... well, everything," SMG4 said, taking a picture with his phone for the 'Gram. "He’s so stupid that the universe’s logic just gives up around him. Even bloodthirsty robots can't resist the Mario charm."
"Do you think they’ll be okay tomorrow?" Tari asked. "What if they get hungry for... you know, oil?"
"I’ll buy some WD-40 in bulk," SMG4 sighed. "And maybe some extra spaghetti. Something tells me our grocery bill just tripled."
Inside the room, the only sound was Mario’s snoring and the soft, rhythmic whirring of three cooling fans.
Uzi opened one eye, looking at the sleeping plumber. She reached out and gently adjusted his hat, which had fallen over his eyes.
"You’re a weird little man," she whispered, her voice low and distorted. "But you’re our weird little man now. And if anyone tries to take you back to that portal..."
Her visor flashed a brief, violent red.
"...I’ll show them why they call us Disassembly Drones."
She closed her eye and drifted into sleep mode, her head sinking deeper into the soft red fabric of Mario’s shirt. Outside, the moon of the Mushroom Kingdom shone brightly, whole and unbroken, a stark contrast to the world they had left behind. But here, in the warmth of the castle, surrounded by the smell of old pizza and the sound of a snoring idiot, the three drones finally found something they didn't know they were looking for.
They found a home. And more importantly, they found someone worth protecting.
Mario let out one final, loud snore, hugging Uzi closer like a teddy bear in his sleep. In the darkness, three digital blushes lit up the room, and the "toasters" settled in, refusing to let go of their favorite human.