Mario's adventure through time and space
A Spire of Scraps and Spaghetti Dreams
The wind howled against the jagged edges of the Corpse Spire, a macabre monument of twisted metal and deactivated Worker Drones that pierced the smoggy sky of Copper-9. Usually, this place was a silent, grim base of operations for the Disassembly Drones. Today, however, it was the site of a very confused, very round human trying to use a discarded robotic torso as a bongo drum.
"Bong, bong, bing! Mario is a musical genius!" Mario shouted, his gloved hands slapping against the hollow chest plate of a dead robot.
J and V stood a few feet away, watching him with an intensity that would have been terrifying to anyone with a functioning survival instinct. To Mario, it just felt like he had two very tall, very shiny bodyguards who really liked his hat.
"He’s... he’s so inefficient," J whispered, her digital visor flickering with a series of rapidly scrolling diagnostic codes. "His movements are erratic. His caloric intake requirements are astronomical. He shouldn't even be alive in this temperature. And yet... I feel a strange urge to give him a promotion."
V was crouched on a pile of skulls, her bladed wings folded neatly behind her. Her tail flicked back and forth, the yellow acid bubbling slightly in its syringe tip. "I want to poke his stomach. Just once. To see if he squeaks."
"Don't you dare, V! You’ll puncture him!" J snapped, her hand momentarily shifting into a surgical saw before she forced it back into a hand. "He’s fragile! Organic! We have to preserve him. He’s the only human left on this frozen rock, and he’s... he’s ours."
Mario stopped his drumming and looked up, his mustache twitching. "Hey, lady robots! Mario is bored. This place has too many bones and not enough meatballs. Where do you keep the snacks? Is there a secret fridge under the pile of heads?"
V hopped down, landing with a heavy metallic thud that would have shattered the floor if it weren't already made of trash. She walked up to Mario, her digital eyes shifting into a pair of soft, curious hearts. She reached out a clawed finger and poked his cheek.
"It’s... squishy," she breathed, her cooling fans whirring loudly. "J, it’s squishy."
"I told you to be careful!" J marched over, shoving V aside. She straightened her tie and looked down at Mario with a stern, corporate frown that was betrayed by the faint pink glow on her visor. "Listen, Mario. You are currently in a high-security facility. As your new... supervisors, we will provide for your basic needs. But in exchange, you must promise not to get eaten by anything. Or explode. Can you do that?"
Mario stared at her for a long second, then stuck a finger up his nose. "Can I have a golden statue of myself made out of butter?"
J blinked. "I... I’ll check the inventory."
Suddenly, the silence of the spire was shattered by a massive explosion at the entrance. A green beam of light tore through the frozen air, melting a hole clean through a stack of rusted monitors.
"GIVE. HIM. BACK!"
Uzi stood at the entrance, her railgun smoking and her purple eyes glowing with a manic intensity. She was panting, her beanie slightly lopsided, and her boots covered in fresh snow. Behind her, a nervous-looking N was hovering, waving awkwardly at everyone.
"Uh, hey guys! Great weather for a kidnapping, right?" N chirped, though he quickly ducked when Uzi elbowed him in the ribs.
"Shut up, N! We’re here for the human!" Uzi pointed her weapon at J. "I found him first! He touched my head and called me a grumpy girl! That’s a binding contract in my book!"
V’s wings flared out, her blades sharpening with a lethal *shing* sound. "You’ve got a lot of nerve coming back here, purple thing. We were just about to see if Mario likes flying. From very high up. Without a parachute."
"You touch one hair on his mustache and I will format your hard drives!" Uzi screamed.
Mario, seeing the tension, decided to intervene the only way he knew how. He walked right into the middle of the standoff, pulled out a fire flower from his pocket, and ate it.
*FLARE!*
In a burst of light, Mario’s red shirt turned white, and his hat turned a bright, glowing red. He began dancing in a circle, tossing small fireballs into the air like he was at a rave. "Yahoo! Fire Mario is here! Everyone stop being mean or I’ll burn your metallic butts!"
The three female drones froze. They watched as the fireballs bounced harmlessly off the walls, melting the ice and creating a cozy, if slightly dangerous, atmosphere.
"He can... generate thermal energy?" J’s eyes widened. "He’s a walking power cell! A fluffy, mustachioed power cell!"
"He’s so cool!" Uzi whispered, her anger momentarily replaced by awe. "I mean—he’s a threat to the system! A beautiful, round threat!"
N leaned over to V. "Is it just me, or is everyone acting really weird today? Usually, we’re stabbing people by now."
"Shut up, N," V and J said in unison.
Mario stopped dancing and looked at Uzi. "Hey! Grumpy girl! You want some fire? It’s-a spicy!" He tossed a small fireball toward her.
Uzi panicked, catching it in her hands. To her surprise, it didn't burn her metal casing; it just felt... warm. Like a hug. Her visor filled with "Internal Error" messages as her blush reached critical levels.
"I... I’m taking him," Uzi declared, her voice cracking. "He’s coming back to the bunker. We have... uh... we have a microwave! Humans like microwaves, right?"
"Absolutely not!" J stepped forward, her hand transforming into a missile launcher. "He stays with the Disassembly team. We have a much better view and significantly fewer 'angsty teen' vibes."
"Ladies, ladies! Calm down!" Mario shouted, holding up his hands. "There is enough Mario for everyone! But first, Mario needs to check on his friends. They were being very loud on the phone."
He pulled out his phone again. The screen flickered to life, showing the interior of SMG4’s castle. The entire gang was there, huddled around a giant monitor. SMG4 looked like he hadn't slept in three years, despite only being gone for twenty minutes.
"Mario! Are you still alive?!" SMG4 screamed. "We’re trying to build a portal, but Tari accidentally plugged the toaster into the warp drive and now the kitchen is in the fourth dimension!"
"Hey, Four! Look! Mario has a fan club!" Mario turned the camera around.
The gang on the other side of the screen stared at the sight of three terrifying, high-tech murder machines all leaning in to be in the shot with Mario. J was trying to look professional, V was licking her claws, and Uzi was trying to hide her blushing face behind her railgun.
"What the heck is going on?" Meggy asked, her jaw dropping. "Mario, are those... are those robots trying to date you?"
"They’re very nice!" Mario said. "This one likes to poke me, this one wants to give me a job, and this one has a big green stick that goes boom!"
"Mario, listen to me very carefully," SMG4 said, his voice trembling. "Those are Disassembly Drones. They are designed to kill everything that breathes! You need to get out of there!"
J leaned into the camera, her eyes turning into cold, yellow slits. "Listen, 'SMG4'. Your 'Mario' is currently under the jurisdiction of JCJenson (in spaaaaace!). Any attempt to retrieve him will be met with extreme prejudice and a very large amount of missiles. He is our... emotional support human now."
"He’s not a pet!" Uzi yelled from the background. "He’s my partner in crime! We’re going to go knock over a vending machine later!"
"Mario, help us!" Luigi wailed from the screen. "The castle feels so empty without your constant screaming and the smell of burnt spaghetti!"
Mario looked at the phone, then at the three drones who were now hovering over him like protective mother hens. He looked back at the phone.
"Sorry, guys. Mario is having a great time! These girls are much better at protecting me than you are. Last week, Meggy let a rock hit me in the face!"
"That was training!" Meggy shouted.
"I’m staying here for a bit," Mario decided, nodding firmly. "But you can call me every day to tell me how much you miss me. And send pizza through the portal when you fix it!"
"Mario, wait—!"
Mario tapped the 'end call' button with a satisfied grin. He looked at his three new companions. "Okay! Now that that’s settled, who wants to see Mario do a backflip? If I land on my head, you have to give me a cookie."
"I’ll get the cookies!" Uzi and J shouted at the same time, immediately sprinting toward the spire’s storage crates.
V stayed behind, watching Mario as he prepared for his jump. She tilted her head, her tail twitching. "You’re a very strange creature, Mario. Most things run away when they see us."
Mario paused his stretching, looking at her with a rare moment of genuine sincerity. "Well, Mario isn't most things. Mario is Mario! And besides, you have pretty eyes. They’re like the yellow lights on a traffic signal, but less boring."
V’s visor flickered. For the first time in her long, violent life, she didn't feel like killing anything. She felt... flustered.
"I... I’m going to go find a rock for you to jump off of," she muttered, flying away at high speed to hide the steam coming off her head.
Mario stood alone for a moment in the center of the spire, the shattered moon shining down on him. He took a deep breath of the freezing, toxic air and let out a loud burp.
"Mama mia," he whispered to himself. "I think I’m gonna like it here."
Meanwhile, back at the castle, SMG4 was staring at the blank screen in stunned silence. He slowly turned toward the rest of the gang.
"Did... did Mario just choose a harem of killer robots over us?"
"To be fair," Bob said, leaning against a wall. "They do have giant wings and lasers. We just have a depressed fish and a guy who likes memes. I’d choose the robots too."
"We have to get him back," Meggy said, slamming her fist into her palm. "Before he accidentally teaches them how to eat spaghetti. If those things get a taste for carbs, the entire multiverse is doomed."
Back on Copper-9, the "doomed" future was already beginning.
"Mario! I found a box of 'Old World' starch strips!" J shouted, flying back with a dusty box of pasta she had scavenged from a ruined supermarket. "Is this the 'spaghetti' you spoke of?"
Mario’s eyes turned into giant dinner plates. He let out a scream of pure joy that echoed across the frozen wasteland, reaching the ears of every terrified Worker Drone for miles.
"IS THAT... REAL PASTA?!"
He lunged for the box, but Uzi intercepted him, holding a pot of melted snow she had boiled with her railgun's heat sink. "I have the water! We can cook it together! Like... like a team!"
"Team Spaghetti!" Mario cheered, grabbing both of them in a giant hug.
J and Uzi froze, their systems nearly crashing from the physical contact. V landed nearby, looking jealous. "Hey! What about me? I found a fork!"
"Group hug!" Mario yelled, pulling V into the pile.
As the four of them sat in a heap of metal and red fabric, surrounded by the bones of a thousand robots, Mario felt right at home. It wasn't the Mushroom Kingdom, and it certainly wasn't normal, but for Mario, it was just another Tuesday.
"So," Mario said, his mouth already full of dry, uncooked pasta. "Who wants to hear the story about the time I fought a giant turtle in a wedding dress?"
The three Murder Drones leaned in, hanging on his every word. The fate of the planet was no longer about oil or survival; it was about making sure the red man stayed happy.
And as long as there was spaghetti and someone to watch him do backflips, Mario was more than happy to be the king of the scrap heap.