Mario's charm
The Hostage Situation is a Sleepover
The silence in the castle was heavy, punctuated only by the rhythmic, whistling snores of Mario and the low, mechanical hum of cooling fans. SMG4, Meggy, Tari, and a very shaky Luigi stood in a semi-circle around the sofa, looking like they were staring at a live bomb.
"Okay," SMG4 whispered, holding his hands up as if calming a wild animal. "Nobody panic. We just need to… assess the situation. Meggy, what are we looking at?"
Meggy adjusted her goggles, her eyes darting between the three metallic girls currently using Mario as a mattress. "I don’t know, Four. I’ve fought inklings, Octolings, and literal gods, but I’ve never seen a toaster with a 'delete' button for a face."
Uzi, whose head was tucked under Mario’s chin, flickered her digital eyes open. A purple warning light flashed on her visor. "I heard that, ginger. And for your information, I’m a Worker Drone. Well… mostly. And these two are Disassembly Drones. They’re basically the apex predators of our planet, so if you want to keep your internal organs where they are, I suggest you take three steps back."
"Actually," V chirped, her voice dripping with a terrifyingly sweet sarcasm as she sharpened her claws against each other, "I prefer the term 'lethal artist.' And the round one is my favorite canvas."
"He’s not a canvas, he’s a friend!" Tari squeaked, taking a brave step forward. Her robotic arm whirred slightly as she looked at the drones with genuine curiosity. "I’m Tari. I’m a cyborg! See? We’re kind of the same!"
The third drone, the one with the bobbed hair and a deceptively innocent smile—J—narrowed her eyes. She reached out a sleek, white hand and poked Mario’s belly, watching it jiggle with a look of clinical fascination. "This 'cyborg' is inefficient. But this creature… this Mario… he is biologically impossible. He fell onto a spire of corpses and didn't even bruise. He is a high-value asset. Or a god. Either way, he is under the protection of J-C-Jenson’s finest."
"He’s a plumber!" Luigi wailed from behind a decorative suit of armor. "He’s just a guy who eats way too much carbs! Please, let him go! He needs to change his overalls eventually!"
V’s tail, a whip-like appendage tipped with a glowing vial of yellow nanite acid, lashed out and cracked against the floor tiles just inches from Luigi’s boots. The stone hissed and dissolved instantly.
"He stays," V said, her eyes turning into small, predatory yellow rings. "He’s warm. Do you have any idea how cold it is on Copper 9? He’s like a portable space heater that smells like oregano."
Mario let out a particularly loud snort, turned over in his sleep, and accidentally smacked Uzi in the face with his hand. The room held its breath. They expected the drone to blow his head off. Instead, Uzi just grumbled, grabbed his hand, and tucked it under her head like a pillow, a faint purple blush dusting her screen.
"I can’t believe this," SMG4 muttered, pulling out his phone to record the madness. "This is going to get so many views, but I’m definitely going to die, aren't I?"
"If you keep pointing that glowing rectangle at us, yes," J said, her hand transforming into a multi-barreled machine gun with a series of metallic clicks.
"Put it away, Four!" Meggy hissed, swatting the phone out of his hand. She looked back at the drones. "Look, we don’t want any trouble. Mario is our friend. Our family. We were worried sick when he got sucked into that portal."
Uzi sat up slightly, though she didn't let go of Mario’s waist. "Yeah, well, he’s the first thing I’ve met in years that didn't try to kill me or monologue about corporate synergy. He just… gave me a piece of gum. It was stuck to a wrapper and tasted like dirt, but it’s the thought that counts."
"He gave me a 'spicy meatball,'" V added, her wings folding neatly against her back. "I don’t have a digestive tract for organic matter, but the explosion it caused in my intake manifold was… exhilarating."
Tari tilted her head. "So… you guys like him?"
All three drones spoke in unison, their voices varying in pitch but identical in intensity: "He’s ours."
Suddenly, Mario’s eyes popped open. He stared at the ceiling for a few seconds, then at the three robotic girls clinging to him, and finally at his terrified friends.
"Ooh! Is it breakfast time?" Mario asked, sitting up with a burst of energy that sent Uzi and V tumbling onto the floor.
"Mario! You're awake!" Luigi cried, rushing over to hug his brother, only to stop dead when J’s surgical saw blade extended from her wrist, humming with lethal intent.
"Back, green peasant," J commanded.
"Hey! Be nice to Luigi!" Mario scolded, wagging a finger at the terrifying murder machine. "He’s-a my brother. He’s a bit of a wuss, but he makes a mean omelet."
J paused. The saw blade retracted slowly. "He… provides sustenance?"
"The best!" Mario cheered. He hopped off the sofa, causing the drones to scramble to their feet to stay close to him. "Come on, Toaster Girls! Let’s go to the kitchen! I’ll show you where the spaghetti lives!"
As Mario waddled toward the kitchen with his three lethal shadows in tow, SMG4 leaned over to Meggy. "Are we really just going to let three killer robots take over the kitchen?"
"Do you want to be the one to tell them no?" Meggy asked, gesturing to the melted hole in the floor.
"Good point. Luigi! Get the eggs!"
The kitchen, which was usually a place of simple culinary disasters involving Mario and a microwave, had turned into a high-stakes standoff. Luigi was at the stove, his hands trembling so hard he was accidentally whisking the eggs at Mach speed.
Uzi was sitting on the counter, swinging her legs and eyeing the refrigerator with suspicion. V was perched on top of the cabinets like a gargoyle, her tail twitching back and forth, while J was busy "organizing" the spice rack with terrifying efficiency, discarding anything that didn't meet her standards of "optimal seasoning."
"So," Tari said, trying to break the ice as she helped Luigi. "What’s it like on your planet? It looked a bit… chilly."
"It’s a frozen wasteland filled with the corpses of our ancestors and the constant threat of being dismantled for spare parts," Uzi said flatly. She looked at Mario, who was currently trying to fit a whole loaf of bread in his mouth. "Then this idiot showed up. He tried to eat a rock. I had to stop him."
"It looked like a potato!" Mario muffled through the bread.
"It was granite, Mario," Uzi sighed, her visor showing a 'tired' emoticon.
V dropped down from the cabinets, landing silently next to Meggy. The inkling stiffened, her hand moving toward her Splatshot, but V didn't attack. Instead, she leaned in and sniffed the air.
"You smell like seafood," V remarked. "Is that a biological trait or a dietary choice?"
"Uh… a bit of both?" Meggy replied cautiously. "I’m an Inkling. We’re evolved from squids."
V’s eyes turned into wide yellow circles. "Evolution. Fascinating. On my world, things only change when a patch is uploaded or someone gets their head ripped off." She leaned closer, her voice dropping to a whisper. "Does the round one have a patch? How is he so… squishy yet so durable?"
"He’s just Mario," Meggy said, relaxing slightly. "He’s survived being crushed by castles, blown up by Bob, and SMG4’s terrible memes. I think his stupidity creates a protective forcefield around him."
"I heard that!" SMG4 shouted from the doorway.
"Whatever it is, I want to study it," J said, stepping away from the perfectly organized spices. She walked over to Mario and poked his cheek again. "His cellular structure is nonsensical. I wish to bring a sample back to the spire."
"No samples!" Luigi yelled, suddenly brave when it came to his brother’s safety. "No poking, no prodding, and definitely no saws!"
J stared at Luigi. Her visor flickered with a loading icon. Then, she gave a stiff, awkward nod. "Very well. The sustenance-provider has made a valid request. I shall refrain from vivisection… for now."
"Yay! Group hug!" Mario shouted, throwing his arms around J and Uzi.
Uzi stiffened, her fans kicking into high gear as her screen turned almost entirely purple. "Hey! Personal space! I have an image to maintain!" She didn't pull away, though. In fact, she leaned her head against his shoulder, her mechanical heart thumping against her chassis.
V didn't wait for an invite. She tackled the group from the side, wrapping her wings around all of them. "This is weird," she muttered. "I usually only get this close to things when I’m disemboweling them. It’s… not terrible."
SMG4 watched the scene, a small smile finally tugging at his lips. "You know, they’re still terrifying, but they’re kind of perfect for Mario."
"They’re definitely protective," Tari noted. "Look at how they’re looking at us."
Indeed, while the drones were enjoying the hug, their eyes were still darting around the room, scanning for threats. When a small fly buzzed past Mario’s head, Uzi’s railgun appeared out of thin air and vaporized it with a precision that left a small scorch mark on the ceiling.
"Hey! My ceiling!" SMG4 cried.
"It was a threat to the asset," J stated coldly.
"It was a fly!"
"A fly with suspicious intent," V added, her claws glinting.
Mario broke the hug and beamed. "See? They’re great! They’re like bodyguards, but they’re also like sisters! Or… whatever. Can we eat now? Mario’s stomach is growling louder than a Chain Chomp."
As Luigi served the omelets, the atmosphere in the castle shifted. It was still chaotic, and there was still a very real chance that someone might get stabbed with a nanite tail if they moved too fast, but there was a strange new dynamic forming.
The drones sat at the table, watching Mario inhale his food with a mix of horror and admiration. Uzi sat next to him, occasionally reaching over to wipe a stray bit of egg off his mustache with a napkin, her expression one of intense focus.
"So," SMG4 said, sitting down at the far end of the table. "Since you guys are… staying, I guess? We should probably set some ground rules. Rule number one: No murdering the neighbors."
"Even if they’re annoying?" V asked, tilting her head.
"Especially if they’re annoying," SMG4 insisted. "Rule number two: No weapons at the dinner table."
Uzi looked at her railgun, then at Mario, who was currently trying to balance a fork on his nose. She sighed and dematerialized the weapon. "Fine. But if that green one tries to take Mario away, all bets are off."
"I’m his brother!" Luigi cried. "I’m not taking him anywhere!"
"Good," J said, pointing a finger at him. "Keep it that way. We have designated this castle as a secondary landing site. Mario is the primary objective. Anything that threatens the objective will be dealt with via extreme prejudice."
Mario looked up from his empty plate, a big grin on his face. "I like my new friends! They’re spicy!"
He stood up and headed back toward the sofa, the three drones following him in a perfect triangular formation. He flopped down, and within seconds, the 'drone pile' had reformed. Mario was buried under metal limbs, wings, and glowing visors.
"Well," Meggy said, leaning against the doorframe. "I guess we have roommates now."
"I’m going to need a lot more oil," SMG4 sighed, looking at his bank account on his phone. "And probably a therapist."
"I think they’re sweet," Tari said, watching Uzi fall asleep on Mario’s chest, her visor displaying a small, peaceful '^_^' symbol.
Luigi looked at the pile of metal and meatballs, then at the melted floor and the scorched ceiling. He sighed, picked up a blanket, and walked over. Very carefully, he draped it over Mario and the three drones.
V’s eyes flickered open for a second. She looked at Luigi, then at the blanket. She didn't hiss. She didn't growl. She just let out a small, mechanical purr and closed her eyes again.
"Goodnight, Mario," Luigi whispered.
"Goodnight, Luigi," Mario mumbled in his sleep. "Don’t let the… toaster bites… bed bugs… spaghetti…"
The Mushroom Kingdom was quiet for the rest of the night. In the heart of the castle, a plumber slept soundly, protected by the most dangerous machines in the galaxy. They had come from a world of cold metal and death, but in the warmth of the castle, they had found something they didn't even know they were looking for.
They had found a Mario. And they weren't letting go.