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Mario's defence force

The Great Italian Heist

The tranquility of the West Woods was short-lived. Mario had barely managed to close his eyes for a three-second power nap before the peace was shattered by the sound of a turbocharged engine screaming in agony. A black sedan, driven with the reckless abandon of a cat who had lost her last shred of patience, vaulted over a fallen log and skidded to a halt mere inches from Melony’s makeshift picnic spot.

Karen stepped out of the driver's seat, her eyes narrowed behind her glasses. "I believe this area is zoned for public use, not for kidnapping plumbers," she said, her voice like cracking ice.

Before Melony could even sit up, a neon-pink blur descended from the canopy above. Saiko landed with a heavy thud, her massive hammer leaving a crater in the soft earth. "Nice try, Melon-girl," Saiko growled, resting the mallet on her shoulder. "But we aren't done with him yet. Mario and I have high scores to break, and I don't recall 'sleeping in the dirt' being on the itinerary."

Tari and Meggy scrambled out of the car right behind Karen. Meggy was already checking the ink levels in her Splattershot, her expression a mix of competitive fire and genuine obsession. "You can't just hog him, Melony! That’s not fair play!"

Mario sat up, blinking rapidly as he looked at the gathered crowd. "Ooh! Is this a surprise party? Mario loves surprises! Is there a cake? Or maybe a cake made of smaller cakes?"

Melony didn't move. She remained sprawled across the grass, her head still resting comfortably on Mario’s lap. She looked up at the four furious women with a sleepy, half-lidded stare that bordered on complete indifference. "Mario is tired," she murmured. "He stays here."

"He doesn't look tired to me!" Meggy countered, pointing at Mario, who was currently trying to see if he could fit his own ear inside his mouth. "He looks like he’s ready for some high-intensity combat training! Right, Red?"

"Mario is ready for a sandwich!" Mario cheered, completely oblivious to the fact that he was the rope in a four-way tug-of-war.

The atmosphere thickened. The air felt heavy with the kind of tension usually reserved for the final boss of a JRPG. Tari, usually the most timid of the bunch, stepped forward with a strange, determined glint in her eyes. "I... I downloaded a cooking simulator, Mario. We can make digital spaghetti that tastes like whatever you want. Please? Just come with us?"

"Digital spaghetti?" Mario’s jaw dropped. "Does it have digital meatballs?"

"The biggest," Tari promised, her voice trembling with the effort of being assertive.

Karen cleared her throat, stepping into the center of the circle. "I have already made reservations at a five-star pasta boutique. The waitlist is three years long, but the manager owes me a favor after I handled a... Karen-related incident at his other branch. Mario, if you come with me, you will eat like a king."

"A king?!" Mario’s eyes turned into golden coins. "Mario likes being a king! I want a crown made of pepperoni!"

Saiko stepped in front of Karen, her height looming over the cashier. "He’s going to the arcade. End of story. Unless you want me to remodel your face with this hammer."

"Threatening a service worker?" Karen’s tail flicked dangerously. "That’s a felony in seventeen kingdoms. I’d love to see you try."

As the girls began to bicker, their voices rising in volume and intensity, Melony slowly stood up. She didn't look angry; she looked focused. She reached out and took Mario’s hand, her grip surprisingly firm for someone who spent ninety percent of her life unconscious.

"Mario," Melony said, her voice gaining a rare clarity. "Do you want to go with them and shout, or do you want to stay here and look at the pretty butterflies?"

Mario looked at the shouting group of girls. Meggy and Saiko were now forehead-to-forehead, arguing about whether training or gaming was a better use of a Saturday. Karen was filing a mock lawsuit on her phone, and Tari was nervously trying to mediate while accidentally glitching through a nearby bush.

"The butterflies are very round," Mario observed, pointing at a passing insect. "And they don't yell at Mario’s ears. Mario’s ears are sensitive! They are like delicate ravioli!"

Melony nodded once. "Then we go."

With a flick of her wrist, she summoned her ink brush again. But before she could draw a portal, a orange blur tackled Mario around the waist.

"No way!" Meggy yelled, clinging to Mario’s overalls. "I’m not letting you vanish again! We’re going to the gym, and then we’re getting ramen, and then we’re watching movies until our eyes fall out!"

"Hey! Get off him!" Saiko grabbed Mario’s other arm. "He’s coming to the arcade! I already put twenty dollars in the token machine!"

"I have the reservations!" Karen shouted, grabbing Mario’s legs.

"I just want to be included!" Tari wailed, grabbing onto Saiko’s waist.

Mario found himself suspended in mid-air, held aloft by five very strong, very determined women. He looked like a starfish being pulled in every direction at once. "Uh, guys? Mario feels like a piece of taffy. And not the delicious kind! The kind that gets stuck in your teeth and makes you cry!"

"Let go of him!" Meggy barked at Saiko.

"You let go first!" Saiko retorted.

The struggle was becoming a physical brawl. They weren't fighting Mario; they were fighting *over* him. It was a whirlwind of flying kicks, ink splatters, and glitchy teleportation. Mario, meanwhile, was simply enjoying the ride.

"Wheee! Mario is a helicopter! Look at me go!" He spun around as the girls shifted their weight, his legs kicking out and accidentally knocking a hat off a passing Goomba.

Suddenly, a loud, high-pitched whistle echoed through the clearing. Everyone froze.

Standing at the edge of the woods was Luigi. He was panting, his green hat askew, and he was holding a giant, steaming pot of "Super-Secret Family Recipe" sauce. Beside him stood SMG4, who looked like he had aged ten years in the last twenty minutes.

"That’s enough!" Luigi shouted, his voice cracking but surprisingly authoritative. "You’re going to pull him apart! Look at him! He’s turning purple!"

The girls looked down. Mario was indeed looking a bit bloated, though mostly because he had managed to find a stray candy bar in his pocket during the scuffle and had eaten it, wrapper and all.

"Luigi!" Mario gasped, his voice muffled by the plastic he was chewing. "Save me! They want to take me to the gym and the boutique! Mario doesn't even know what a boutique is! Is it a type of cheese?"

Luigi marched into the center of the group. To everyone's shock, the girls actually stepped back to let him through. There was something about the sheer, brotherly indignation on Luigi’s face that was more intimidating than Saiko’s hammer.

"He’s my brother," Luigi said firmly, taking Mario’s hand and helping him stand. "And he’s had a very long day of being... well, Mario. He doesn't need to be fought over like a prize at the fair."

Meggy looked down at her boots, feeling a pang of guilt. "We just... we wanted to spend time with him, Luigi. He’s been so... nice lately."

"He’s always nice!" Luigi countered. "He’s also an idiot! But he’s *our* idiot. And you’re scaring him."

Mario looked at Luigi, then at the girls. He saw the genuine sadness on Tari’s face and the frustration on Meggy’s. His simple heart couldn't handle seeing his friends upset, even if they were acting like a pack of hungry wolves.

"Hey, hey," Mario said, stepping forward and patting Meggy on the head. "Don't be sad, Ginger-Snap. Mario has enough love for everyone! I have a very big heart. It’s mostly filled with grease, but there’s room for you guys too!"

He turned to the group, a grand, stupid idea forming in his head. "I know! We will have a Mario-thon! We will go to the boutique for an appetizer, then we go to the arcade to break things, then we go to the gym so Meggy can show me how to do a flip, and then we all take a nap with Melony on a pile of watermelons!"

The girls exchanged looks. The competitive tension was still there, but Mario’s sheer, unadulterated enthusiasm was infectious.

"A marathon, huh?" Saiko smirked, crossing her arms. "I guess I can share. As long as I get to pick the arcade games."

"And as long as I get to pick the appetizers," Karen added, adjusting her glasses.

"I’ll bring the portable consoles!" Tari chirped, her eyes brightening.

"And I’ll make sure nobody actually dies during the training," Meggy promised, giving Mario a playful punch on the arm.

Melony simply nodded, closing her eyes again. "Naps are the finale. I accept."

SMG4 sighed, leaning against a tree. "I’m getting this all on film. This is going to be the weirdest documentary of all time."

Mario cheered, grabbing Luigi and Meggy by the hands. "Wahoo! Let’s go! First stop: The place with the fancy napkins!"

As the group began to head back toward the car, Mario leaned over to Luigi and whispered, "Hey, Luigi? Does the boutique have chicken nuggets? Mario is worried they only serve grass and expensive water."

Luigi smiled, patting his brother’s back. "I’m sure we can find you some nuggets, Mario. I’m sure we can."

The group piled into Karen’s car, which was now dangerously over capacity. Mario was shoved into the middle, surrounded by his self-appointed guardians. As they drove off, the woods returned to their natural silence, save for the faint sound of Mario singing a song about ravioli to the tune of the national anthem.

Back at the castle, the rest of the crew was still trying to process what had happened. Bob was currently trying to sell "Mario Protection Insurance" to a confused Boopkins.

"I’m telling you, Boopkins! The red one is a hot commodity!" Bob shouted, waving a poorly drawn contract. "The ladies have gone feral! You want a piece of the action? Only fifty coins for a 'Mario-Scented' air freshener!"

"Bob, that’s just a piece of cardboard dipped in spaghetti sauce," Boopkins sighed.

"It’s an investment!"

Suddenly, the front doors of the castle swung open. The "Mario-thon" crew burst in, Mario leading the charge with a silk napkin tucked into his collar and a handful of arcade tickets stuck to his hat.

"We’re back!" Mario announced. "And Mario is now a cultured gentleman of the arts! Also, I broke the Skee-Ball machine and Karen had to talk to the police!"

"He didn't break it," Karen corrected, looking surprisingly exhausted. "He 'liberated' the tickets from the internal mechanism. There’s a legal distinction."

Meggy walked in behind them, carrying a bag of takeout and looking more relaxed than she had all day. "You know, it wasn't so bad. Sharing, I mean."

Saiko nodded, though she was still clutching her hammer tightly. "Yeah. It was almost... fun. In a chaotic, brain-cell-destroying kind of way."

They all gathered in the main hall, the initial possessiveness having morphed into a strange, collective protective streak. They sat around the large table, sharing the food they had gathered throughout their chaotic afternoon.

Mario sat at the head of the table, a meatball sub in one hand and a trophy he had won (or stolen) from the arcade in the other. He looked around at his friends—his brother, his rivals, and his strangely obsessed fans.

"You know," Mario said, his mouth full of bread. "Mario is a very lucky guy. I have the bestest friends in the whole world. Even if you guys are a little bit crazy and sometimes make Mario’s arms feel like cooked noodles."

Tari smiled, leaning her head on her hand. "We just care about you, Mario."

"A lot," Melony added, her eyes fluttering shut as she leaned against his shoulder.

For a moment, everything was perfect. The sun was setting over the Mushroom Kingdom, the food was warm, and the castle was filled with the sound of laughter.

Then, Mario stood up on his chair, raising a drumstick into the air like a sword. "And now! For the next part of the Mario-thon! We see who can fit the most spaghetti into their ears!"

The silence that followed was deafening.

SMG4 buried his face in his hands. "And there it is. The moment is gone."

"I’ll go first!" Meggy shouted, grabbing a handful of pasta.

"Not if I beat you to it!" Saiko yelled, lunging for the bowl.

As the chaos erupted once more, Luigi just shook his head and took a bite of his own dinner. It didn't matter how popular Mario got, or how many girls were fighting over him. At the end of the day, he was still the same glorious idiot. And in the Mushroom Kingdom, that was exactly how things were supposed to be.