Mario's fanclub
The Guardian of the Green Door
The evening sky over the Mushroom Kingdom was a bruised purple, fading into a deep, velvety indigo. For Mario, this was usually the time of day when he contemplated which flavor of ramen would best complement a night of staring at the ceiling and making fart noises with his armpits. But tonight, the walk home felt different. Usually, the journey from the castle to the Mario Bros. house was a peaceful trek, occasionally interrupted by a stray Koopa Troopa or a falling brick.
Tonight, it felt like a royal procession—or a prison transport, depending on how you looked at it.
"Oh, look at the way the moonlight hits his nose," Tari whispered, her robotic arm making a series of soft clicking noises as she adjusted her grip on her sweater. "It’s so... round."
"It’s a majestic nose, Tari. Don't stare too hard, you'll make him self-conscious," Meggy said, though she herself hadn't blinked in nearly three minutes. She walked on Mario’s left, her hand hovering inches from his sleeve, ready to catch him should he trip over a blade of grass.
On his right, Saiko strolled with her hands behind her head, her giant hammer slung over her shoulder. She was humming a soft, surprisingly melodic tune, but her eyes were scanning the bushes with a predatory sharpness. Every time a cricket chirped too loudly, she reached for her weapon.
"Is it just me, or did the air get ten times better out here?" Karen asked, walking a few paces behind them. She was actually smiling, a sight so rare it usually signaled an impending apocalypse. "No customers, no screaming kids, just the calming presence of a complete idiot. It’s therapeutic."
Mario skipped along the dirt path, his belly full of spaghetti and his mind blissfully empty of anything resembling a complex thought. "Mario likes walking! It’s like running, but for lazy people! Yahoo!"
Luigi, however, was a nervous wreck. He walked slightly ahead of the group, his shoulders hunched up to his ears. He could feel the collective gaze of the women burning into the back of his head every time he slowed down or tried to speak to his brother. It was like being followed by a pack of very protective, very heavily armed lionesses.
"Um, Mario?" Luigi stammered, glancing over his shoulder. "Don't you think the girls might want to go home now? It’s getting pretty late, and I’m sure they have... hobbies? Or sleep?"
The reaction was instantaneous. Saiko’s humming stopped. Meggy’s gaze snapped to Luigi. Karen’s tail gave a sharp, whip-like flick.
"We’re making sure he gets home safely, Luigi," Meggy said, her voice dropping an octave into a warning growl. "The Mushroom Kingdom is dangerous at night. There are Goombas. And potholes."
"I survived a pothole once," Mario added helpfully, nodding sagely. "It was dark. I saw a light. It was a flashlight. I ate it."
"See?" Tari squeaked, stepping closer to Mario. "He’s so brave, but he’s also a danger to himself! We can’t just leave him."
"But I’m right here!" Luigi cried, throwing his hands up. "I’ve been taking care of him for thirty years! I think I can handle the walk from the castle to our front door!"
Karen stepped forward, her eyes narrowing. "And yet, here he is, almost starving to death because you only brought him *one* plate of spaghetti earlier. Your negligence is noted, Greenie."
Luigi opened his mouth to argue that Mario had actually eaten three pizzas before the spaghetti, but one look at Saiko’s hammer made him decide that silence was the better part of valor. He turned back around and quickened his pace, the sound of five sets of footsteps following him in perfect, haunting synchronization.
As they reached the familiar wooden door of the Mario Bros. house, Luigi felt a wave of relief. *Finally,* he thought. *Home. Privacy. A place where I don't feel like I’m being judged by a tribunal for how I breathe near my own brother.*
"Well, here we are!" Luigi said, reaching for the doorknob with a shaky hand. "Thanks for the escort, ladies! We’ll see you tomorrow at the—"
The door didn't wait for him to turn the knob. It swung open with a violent creak, revealing a figure standing in the darkened entryway.
Melony stood there, her signature fierce deity mask tucked under one arm and her oversized hoodie hanging off her shoulders. Usually, Melony was either asleep or in a state of zen-like calm, but tonight her eyes were wide, bright, and dangerously focused. The moment she saw Mario, her face transformed into a beam of pure, radiant joy.
"Mario!" she chirped, her voice carrying a strange, possessive lilt.
Before Luigi could even say hello, Melony reached out, grabbed the front of Mario’s overalls, and hauled him inside with strength that defied her sleepy appearance.
"Whoa! Mario is being kidnapped! Wait, no, it’s just Melony. Carry on!" Mario shouted as he was dragged across the threshold.
Luigi tried to follow, his foot crossing the line of the doorway. "Hey, Melony! I didn't know you were dropping by—"
Melony’s head snapped toward Luigi. The warmth in her expression vanished instantly, replaced by a cold, sharp "side-eye" that felt like a physical slap. She didn't say a word. She simply reached out, placed a hand on Luigi’s chest, and firmly pushed him back onto the porch.
"Wait, what?" Luigi gasped.
*Slam!*
The door shut in his face. Luigi stood there, blinking at the wood grain, while behind him, he could hear the collective intake of breath from the other girls.
"Did she just..." Meggy started, her hand twitching toward her Splattershot.
"She did," Saiko growled, her pink hair practically bristling with indignation. "She locked the door. With *him* inside."
"And she pushed Luigi," Tari added, looking conflicted. "I mean, it’s Melony, she’s our friend, but... she can’t just hog him! That’s cheating!"
Karen walked up to the door and tried the handle. It was locked. She pounded on the wood with a fist. "Open up! I know you’re in there, melon-head! We aren't finished with the scheduled evening adoration!"
Inside the house, the atmosphere was much quieter, though no less strange. Mario was sitting on the couch, looking confused as Melony scurried around him. She had already produced a mountain of pillows from somewhere and was busy piling them around Mario until he looked like he was sitting in a soft, plush fortress.
"Melony? What are you doing?" Mario asked, picking up a stray tassel from a cushion. "Are we building a fort? Can we have a password? The password should be 'Spaghetti'."
Melony stopped, looking at him with an intensity that made even Mario tilt his head. She reached out and patted his cheeks with both hands, her touch surprisingly gentle.
"Safe," she whispered. "Mario is safe here. No mean SMG4. No loud noises. Just sleep and snacks."
"I like snacks!" Mario cheered. "But Luigi is outside. He has the keys to the fridge. And the bathroom. And my life."
Melony shook her head slowly. She sat down on the floor at his feet, leaning her head against his knee. "Luigi is loud. The others are loud. They want to take Mario away to do 'activities.' Mario doesn't need activities. Mario needs a nap."
Mario thought about this for a second. "You know... you have a point. Mario is very tired from all the attention. It’s hard being this beautiful."
Outside, the situation was deteriorating rapidly.
"If she doesn't open this door in five seconds, I’m using the hammer," Saiko announced, hefting the massive weapon over her shoulder.
"Wait, wait! Don't break the house!" Luigi pleaded, hovering between the angry mob and his front door. "I have a spare key! It’s under the—"
"Give it here, Greenie!" Meggy demanded, lunging for his pockets.
"No! I mean, I shouldn't! This is getting weird!" Luigi cried, dancing out of reach. "Why are you all acting like this? It’s just Mario! He’s a guy who eats raw pasta out of the box and thinks the sun is a giant lemon!"
The four women stopped and looked at Luigi. The silence was deafening.
"That," Karen said, her voice trembling with a weird mix of affection and irritation, "is exactly why he needs to be supervised. He’s too pure for this world."
"He’s not pure! He’s an idiot!" Luigi yelled, his voice cracking.
"He’s *our* idiot," Saiko corrected, stepping toward Luigi with a menacing grin. "Now, give us the key, or I’ll find a new use for that green hat of yours."
Luigi fumbled in his pocket, his heart hammering against his ribs. He found the spare key, but as he went to hand it over, the window next to the door slid open. Melony poked her head out, her eyes narrowed to slits.
"Go away," she said simply. "Mario is hibernating."
"Melony, let us in!" Tari cried, her big blue eyes welling up with tears. "We just want to make sure he’s okay! We brought... we brought a rubber ducky for him!"
Melony looked at the ducky, then back at the group. She reached out, snatched the ducky from Tari’s hand, and pulled it inside. "Gift accepted. Access denied."
She slammed the window shut and locked it.
"That’s it!" Meggy yelled. "Tactical breach! Saiko, take the door! Karen, check the back entrance! Tari, try to hack the smart-fridge if they have one!"
"We don't have a smart-fridge! We have a regular fridge with a picture of a cat on it!" Luigi screamed, but he was ignored.
As Saiko prepared to swing her hammer, the door suddenly opened again. But it wasn't Melony. It was Mario.
He was wearing a pair of Melony’s oversized sleep-eye-masks on his forehead and was holding a half-eaten bag of chips. He looked at the scene on his porch—Saiko with her hammer raised, Meggy in a combat stance, Karen with her claws out, and a sobbing Luigi—with a look of genuine pity.
"Hey, guys," Mario said, his mouth full of crumbs. "Mario thinks you all need a Snickers. You’re being very 'diva' right now."
The girls froze. The sheer audacity of Mario—the man who once tried to marry a pizza—telling *them* they were being dramatic was enough to short-circuit their brains.
"Mario," Meggy said, her voice soft and trembling. "We’re just... we’re worried about you."
"Why?" Mario asked, tilting his head. "Mario is great! Melony gave me a pillow and a ducky. And she promised that tomorrow, we can go to the zoo and throw rocks at the monkeys!"
"I want to throw rocks at monkeys!" Saiko blurted out, her competitive streak flaring up.
"Me too!" Tari added.
Mario held up a hand, looking uncharacteristically serious. "No. Only one person can go to the zoo with Mario at a time. Otherwise, the monkeys get confused and start throwing the rocks back. It’s a very delicate balance."
He looked at the group, then at Luigi. "And Luigi gets to come too, because he carries the first-aid kit for when Mario inevitably falls into the monkey pit."
The girls looked at each other. The jealousy was still there, simmering beneath the surface, but Mario’s simple logic (or lack thereof) seemed to have calmed the immediate storm.
"Fine," Meggy sighed, crossing her arms. "But I’m the one who gets to take him on Wednesday."
"Thursday is mine," Karen snapped.
"I get Friday!" Tari chirped.
"I’ll take the weekend," Saiko said, resting her hammer on the porch. "We’re going to a monster truck rally. Mario’s going to love the explosions."
Melony appeared behind Mario, resting her chin on his shoulder. She looked at the other girls with a triumphant smirk, then looked at Luigi. She reached out and handed Luigi the key she had swiped from his pocket during the initial scuffle.
"You can come in now, Green Brother," Melony said, her voice returning to its usual sleepy drone. "Mario needs his feet tucked in."
Luigi took the key, feeling like he’d just survived a trip through a black hole. "Thanks... I think."
As the girls finally began to disperse, muttering among themselves about their "scheduled Mario time," Luigi stepped into his house and closed the door. He locked it. He bolted it. He pushed a heavy chair in front of it.
He walked into the living room to find Mario already snoring on the couch, buried under a literal mountain of blankets, with Melony curled up in a sleeping bag on the rug beside him, clutching her sword like a sentry.
Luigi sat down in his armchair and let out a long, shaky breath. He looked at his brother, who was currently dreaming about something that caused him to mutter "ravioli" in his sleep.
"Mario," Luigi whispered. "I don't know what you did. I don't know how you did it. But please... never do it again."
From the pile of blankets, a muffled voice responded. "Mario is a magnet, Luigi. A big, red, sexy magnet. Now be quiet, the marshmallows are talking to me."
Luigi sighed, leaned his head back, and closed his eyes. It was going to be a very, very long week. And he had a feeling that tomorrow's trip to the zoo was going to involve a lot more than just monkeys. It was going to involve a fight for the soul of the Mushroom Kingdom, fought with rocks, spaghetti, and a whole lot of obsessive affection.
But for now, in the quiet of the house, there was peace. Or at least, as much peace as one could have when their brother was the unintentional center of a female-led cult of personality.
Outside, the moon shone down on the house, and if one looked closely, they could see a blue hoodie, an orange beanie, and a tuft of pink hair disappearing into the woods, already planning their strategies for the days to come. The Red Magnet had been claimed for the night, but the battle was far from over.