Mario's multiverse adventure
Mustaches, Metal, and Missed Connections
The frozen expanse of Copper-9 was a symphony of howling winds and the distant, rhythmic clanking of shifting scrap metal. Mario, however, was currently providing his own soundtrack. He was sliding across the surface of a frozen lake, his belly acting as a makeshift sled, shouting "Wahoo!" every time he hit a particularly smooth patch of ice. To any observer, he was a madman dancing on the grave of a civilization. To Mario, it was just a very cold Tuesday.
He eventually skidded to a halt near a rusted-out car that looked like it had been chewed on by a giant mechanical dog. Panting slightly, Mario sat up and patted his pockets. He felt a familiar vibration against his thigh—a rhythmic buzzing that usually meant someone was about to yell at him for something he’d forgotten to do.
"Ooh! My spicy meatball tracker!" Mario chirped, pulling out his smartphone.
The screen flickered to life, showing a video call incoming from "SMG4." Mario pressed the green button with a thumb that still smelled faintly of the marshmallows he’d stuffed in his nose earlier that morning.
The screen exploded into a chaotic mess of pixels before stabilizing. SMG4’s face filled the frame, looking several shades paler than usual. Behind him, Mario could see the blurred shapes of Meggy, Tari, and Bob, all huddled around the monitor in the new castle’s control room.
"Mario! Oh my god, you’re alive!" SMG4 screamed, his voice cracking with a mixture of relief and sheer terror. "Where are you? We’ve been trying to track the rift's signature for the last hour! Are you hurt? Are you in a void? Is there any internet?"
Mario tilted the phone, giving his friends a panoramic view of the desolate, snow-covered wasteland and the terrifying rings of the shattered planet hanging in the sky. "Hello, Mr. Meme Man! Mario is doing great! I found a big fridge and a bunch of broken toasters. Also, the snow tastes like pennies."
"Mario, focus!" Meggy pushed SMG4 aside, her orange hair disheveled. "We’re trying to build a portal stabilizer to get you back, but we don't know where 'here' is. Look around. Is there anything recognizable? Any landmarks?"
Mario scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Um... there is a big pile of dead robots. And a very grumpy toaster with a green stick. She was nice! She liked my hat."
"Dead robots?" Tari’s voice came from the background, sounding small and worried. "Mario, that doesn't sound safe. Please stay hidden until we can reach you."
As Mario continued to ramble about the lack of spaghetti in this new dimension, the camera on his phone panned slightly upward. On the screen back at the castle, SMG4’s eyes widened. He leaned in closer, squinting at the background behind Mario.
High above the plumber, perched on the jagged edges of a collapsed skyscraper, three distinct silhouettes were visible against the pale light of the rings. Two of them had glowing yellow eyes and large, bladed wings that twitched with predatory grace. The third was smaller, crouched lower, with a purple glow emanating from her visor.
They weren't attacking. They were watching. And as Mario moved the phone, the camera caught the way the two winged figures were leaning forward, their digital expressions appearing almost... enamored.
"Mario," SMG4 whispered, his voice trembling. "Don't move. Don't even breathe. Who are those things behind you?"
"Hmm?" Mario turned around, holding the phone up high like a selfie stick.
The three figures—J, V, and Uzi—didn't retreat. Usually, Disassembly Drones were masters of stealth, but the sheer absurdity of Mario’s presence had apparently broken their tactical programming. V was currently resting her chin in her hands, her bladed wings folded neatly like a socialite at a gala, her eyes flickering between yellow hearts and standard circles. J was standing tall, adjusting her tie and smoothing her hair, trying to look "professional" while her sensors were locked onto the curve of Mario's mustache.
Uzi, further down the ledge, was trying to look menacing with her railgun, but the massive "BLUSH" text flickering across her visor gave her away.
"Oh! Those are my new friends!" Mario shouted, waving his free hand frantically at the terrifying killing machines. "Hi, toasters! Look! I’m on the TV!"
On the other side of the screen, SMG4 felt a cold sweat break out. He didn't see "friends." He saw high-tech, genocidal murder-bots staring directly into the camera. And then, something shifted.
J, the leader of the Disassembly squad, noticed the image on the phone screen. She saw SMG4—a human-like figure in a blue and white hat, surrounded by technology. To her, he looked like a representative of JCJenson (in Spaaaace!), but one that was... off. Glitchy. Unofficial.
J’s eyes narrowed into sharp, yellow slits. She didn't care about Mario’s safety—she was already mentally filing him under "Personal Pet/Property"—but the man on the screen looked like a corporate rival. Or worse, a manager from a competing branch.
"Mario, get away from them!" SMG4 yelled. "They look like they’re going to eat you! Or worse, they’re going to make a reaction video out of you!"
V leaned over J’s shoulder, peering at the screen. "Is that his creator? He looks... punchable. Can we kill him and keep the round one?"
Uzi jumped down from her perch, landing a few feet away from Mario. She ignored the Disassembly Drones for a moment, focusing on the phone. "Who are you talking to? Is that the 'Company'?"
"This is my friend 4!" Mario explained, shoving the phone directly into Uzi’s face. "He makes the funny pictures! Say cheese, purple toaster!"
Uzi recoiled, her visor flashing a warning sign. "Get that out of my face! And stop calling me a toaster! I’m an angst-ridden teen with a god complex and a very big gun!"
SMG4 stared at Uzi through the screen. "Is... is that a teenage robot? Mario, what is happening? Why is she blushing? Why are they ALL blushing?!"
"They like-a the Mario!" Mario bragged, striking a pose that accentuated his belly. "Everyone loves Mario! I am the superstar!"
Suddenly, J’s tail flicked forward, the needle-tipped end hovering just inches from the phone's camera. Her face appeared on the screen, her yellow eyes glowing with a terrifying intensity.
"Listen here, you low-resolution biological anomaly," J hissed at SMG4. "I don't know what sector you’re calling from, but this specimen is currently under evaluation by JCJenson Disassembly Team Plus. If you attempt to recalibrate his location, I will find your coordinates and dismantle you for spare parts. Am I clear?"
SMG4 fell backward in his chair, his legs flailing in the air. "I—I—we just want our idiot back! Please don't kill us! We have a movie coming out soon!"
V popped her head into the frame next to J, waving a razor-sharp claw at the camera with a manic grin. "Bye-bye, blue man! Don't worry, we’ll take real good care of him. I’ve always wanted a pet that squeaks when you poke it!"
"No! Wait!" Meggy’s voice echoed as she lunged for the screen. "Mario, run! They’re crazy!"
Mario looked at the screen, then at the three deadly drones surrounding him. He saw V’s sharp teeth, J’s cold authority, and Uzi’s localized meltdown. To anyone else, this was a horror movie. To Mario, it was a party.
"Aw, don't be a grumpy-pants, Meggy!" Mario laughed. "Look, they want to play! We’re gonna go find some spaghetti and then maybe blow something up! It’s gonna be great!"
"Mario, no! Don't hang up! We’re losing the signal—the rift energy is—" SMG4’s voice began to distort, turning into a garbled mess of static and slowed-down screams.
Mario blinked at the screen. "Uh oh. The phone is having a tummy ache."
Before SMG4 could say another word, Mario’s thumb accidentally slipped. In his excitement to wave at his "new friends" again, he swiped the red icon.
*Click.*
The screen went black.
Mario stared at the dead device for a second, then shrugged and stuffed it back into his pocket. "Oh well. He probably just went to go look at more memes."
He turned back to the three drones. They were all staring at him with varying degrees of intensity. J looked like she was trying to figure out how to put a leash on him without getting "flesh-germs" on her uniform. V looked like she was vibrating with the urge to either hug him or dissect him—possibly both. Uzi was just kicking the snow, her railgun slung over her shoulder, looking everywhere except at Mario.
"So!" Mario clapped his hands together. "Which one of you knows where the kitchen is? Mario is-a hungry!"
Uzi sighed, her internal fans finally slowing down. "There are no kitchens, fat-stache. This is a dead planet. Everything is frozen. The only thing to eat is oil, and you’re definitely not built for that."
Mario’s face fell. His bottom lip began to tremble. "No... spaghetti?"
V immediately lunged forward, her wings flared out. "Don't cry! If you cry, I’ll have to kill something to make you feel better! Do you want me to kill a Worker Drone? I can find one in five seconds!"
"V, stand down," J commanded, though she too looked strangely bothered by Mario’s distress. "Specimen Mario, while 'spaghetti' is not a recognized resource on Copper-9, we have... alternative sustenance. Probably. We can scavenge the old human bunkers."
Mario’s eyes lit up. "Bunkers? Do they have-a the canned ravioli?"
"Sure, whatever," Uzi muttered, stepping closer to Mario and subconsciously standing between him and the Disassembly Drones. "Just stay close to me. These two are literal murder-bots. They’ll turn you into a coat if you’re not careful."
"Hey! I would never make a coat out of him," V pouted, retracting her claws. "He’s too round. He’d make a better pillow."
J ignored them both, her eyes scanning the horizon. "We need to move. The sun will be up in a few hours, and while the biological one won't overheat, we will. We’ll take him to the landing pod for 'questioning.'"
"You mean for snuggles!" V chirped.
"I mean for corporate interrogation!" J snapped, her visor blushing slightly.
Mario, completely oblivious to the fact that he was the center of a burgeoning robotic tug-of-war, began to skip toward the nearest ruined building. "Ooh! A scavenger hunt! Mario is the best at finding things! One time I found a mushroom in my ear!"
Uzi watched him go, a small, genuine smile tugging at the corners of her digital mouth before she quickly forced it back into a scowl. "This is going to be a long night."
"I call carrying him!" V shouted, launching herself into the air and hovering over Mario like a protective, bladed hawk.
"Absolutely not! I am the ranking officer!" J countered, her thrusters igniting as she chased after them.
As the trio of drones followed the red plumber into the dark heart of the city, the silence of Copper-9 was broken once again. But this time, it wasn't by the sound of screaming or clashing metal. It was the sound of a fat Italian man singing a song about meatballs, followed by the frustrated, yet oddly fond, bickering of three girls who had no idea how their lives had just been upended.
Back at the castle, SMG4 stared at the blank monitor in horror.
"He’s gone," SMG4 whispered. "He’s trapped on a planet of murder-toasters... and they think he’s cute."
"We have to get him back," Meggy said, her hand tight on her weapon. "Before he accidentally joins a cult. Or starts one."
"I’m more worried about the robots," Tari added softly. "They don't know what they’ve just let into their world."
She was right. Copper-9 had survived a planetary collapse, a decade of cold, and the reign of the Disassembly Drones. But it had never encountered a Mario. And the planet would never be the same again.