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Mario's multiverse adventure

The Great Spaghetti Heist of Sector 4

The frozen wasteland of Copper-9 was a place of eternal silence, broken only by the howling wind and the occasional scream of a Worker Drone being disassembled for parts. Today, however, it was broken by something much more terrifying: the sound of a middle-aged Italian man singing a high-pitched rendition of the "Chicken Dance" while slapping his own buttocks.

"Mario, for the love of the Binary God, please stop doing that," Uzi hissed, her visor flickering with a mix of embarrassment and a strange, unyielding affection. She kept her Railgun leveled at every dark corner they passed, her sensors dialed to maximum sensitivity.

Mario stopped mid-slap and looked at her with wide, vacant eyes. "But Uzi, the music! Don't you hear it? It’s-a the song of my people!"

"There is no music, Mario! It’s just the sound of industrial fans and death!" Uzi groaned, but she couldn't bring herself to be truly angry. Every time he looked at her with that expression—the one that suggested there wasn't a single thought behind those blue eyes—her internal temperature rose by five degrees.

She reached out and grabbed the strap of his overalls, pulling him closer to her side. "Just stay close. We're heading to an old rations depot I found last week. If your 'SMG-whatever' friends are right and you’re some kind of biological organism, you need organic fuel. Not... whatever that frozen lug nut was you tried to eat earlier."

Mario’s eyes lit up like two supernovas. "Fuel? You mean... spaghetti? Meatballs? A nice-a spicy rigatoni?"

Uzi blinked. "I mean, it's mostly expired canned goods from the pre-collapse era, but I think I saw a box with a picture of a noodle on it once."

"MAMA MIA!" Mario roared, suddenly sprinting forward with the speed of a runaway freight train. "GET OUT OF THE WAY! MARIO’S STOMACH IS CALLING!"

"Wait! Mario! That's a restricted zone!" Uzi screamed, her boots sparking against the ice as she chased after him.

High above, perched on a rusted girding like gargoyles of chrome and cruelty, J and V watched the red blur streak across the snow.

"He’s fast," V remarked, her tongue darting out to lick a drop of oil off her razor-sharp claws. Her wings twitched, the blades humming in the wind. "I like them fast. It makes the pouncing more... visceral."

J adjusted her pigtails, her expression one of calculated irritation. "He’s reckless. He’s inefficient. He’s completely disregarding all safety protocols of this planet." She paused, her visor flashing a brief pink heart before she quickly cleared it with a cough. "I find his lack of self-preservation... strangely alluring. It suggests a high level of confidence. Or extreme brain damage. Either way, the purple one is leading him right into a trap."

"The rations depot?" V grinned, her eyes turning into jagged yellow "X" shapes. "That place is a maze of collapsing steel. Perfect for an ambush."

"We don't 'ambush' him, V," J corrected, her voice stern. "We 'secure' him. We remove the Worker Drone nuisance, and then we take the human back to the pod for... questioning. Intense, prolonged, very close-proximity questioning."

V let out a cackle and dived off the ledge, her wings snapping open with a metallic *shink*. "Last one to touch the mustache is a rusty toaster!"

Down in the ruins, Mario had reached the depot. It was a massive, vaulted warehouse, its roof partially caved in by a fallen satellite. Inside, the air was thick with frost and the smell of ancient dust. Mario was currently rummaging through a pile of crates, throwing aside high-grade titanium plating and circuit boards like they were trash.

"No... no... no... ooh, a shiny rock! No..."

Uzi caught up to him, leaning on her knees and venting steam from her back. "Mario... stop... you're going to... trigger a..."

*Click.*

Mario’s foot had landed squarely on a pressure plate labeled 'SECURITY SYSTEM ACTIVE: DO NOT STEP.'

A series of red lights flickered to life along the walls. From the shadows, automated defense turrets—primitive compared to the Disassembly Drones, but still lethal—slid out of the ceiling.

"Oh, look! Flashy lights!" Mario cheered, clapping his hands.

"Mario, get down!" Uzi screamed. She lunged forward, tackling the plumber to the ground just as a hail of bullets whistled over his head.

They tumbled behind a heavy steel counter. Uzi found herself pinned beneath Mario’s surprisingly heavy frame. Her visor turned a deep, saturated purple, and a "CRITICAL OVERHEATING" warning flashed in the corner of her vision. Mario, oblivious to the danger or the awkwardness, was looking down at her with a confused grin.

"Is this a new game, Toaster-Girl? Mario likes-a the wrestling!"

"It’s—it’s not a game!" Uzi stammered, her hands shaking as she gripped his red shirt. "They’re trying to kill us! And stop calling me Toaster-Girl! It’s... it’s making my fans spin too fast!"

Suddenly, the sound of gunfire stopped. It wasn't because the turrets had run out of ammo. It was because they had been shredded into confetti.

A blur of silver and yellow descended from the hole in the roof. V landed on top of a turret, her claws sinking into the metal like it was butter. She looked toward the counter, her grin wide and predatory.

"Hey there, little snack," V purred, her voice echoing in the warehouse. "Why are you hiding behind that purple trash? Come out and play with the big girls."

J landed a second later, smoothing out her skirt and dusting off her shoulders. She ignored Uzi entirely, her gaze locked on the top of Mario’s hat peeking over the counter. "Human. By the authority of JCJenson (in spaaaaace!), you are hereby ordered to surrender yourself into our custody. We offer... protection. And better company than a rebellious teenager with an attitude problem."

Uzi stood up, her Railgun glowing a fierce, radioactive green. She stepped in front of Mario, her small frame trembling with rage. "Back off, you preppy murder-Barbies! He’s with me! He doesn't want anything to do with your corporate cult!"

"Oh, please," J scoffed, her hand transforming into a multi-barreled machine gun. "Look at him. He’s a masterpiece of organic evolution—somehow—and you’re just a faulty unit with a grudge. You can't even keep him fed."

"I found him a box of noodles!" Uzi shouted.

Mario popped his head up, looking between the two groups. "Ooh! More robot ladies! Are you here for the party? Mario brought... well, Mario brought himself! That's the best gift of all!"

V’s tail flicked, the syringe of nanite acid bubbling at the tip. "He’s so stupid," she whispered, her voice filled with genuine wonder. "I want to keep him in a jar. V, focus! No jars! Just... petting. Maybe a little biting."

"Give him here, Uzi," J commanded, taking a step forward. "Or we turn this depot into your tomb."

"Bite me!" Uzi retorted, leveling her gun.

The standoff was broken by the most unexpected sound possible: a loud, wet *splat*.

Everyone turned to look at Mario. He had found a hidden stash of pre-collapse emergency rations—specifically, a giant, gallon-sized tin of "Pre-Cooked Italian-Style Meat-ish Balls in Gravy." He had cracked it open with his bare hands and was currently face-deep in the cold, congealed brown sauce.

"Mmm... tastes like-a depression and metal shavings!" Mario muffled, his face covered in gravy. "Just like mama used to make!"

The three drones stared in stunned silence.

"That... that is disgusting," J whispered, though she didn't look away. "It’s completely unsanitary. It violates every health code in the manual." She paused. "I want to wipe his face. With my mouth. Wait, did I say that out loud?"

V was practically vibrating. "He’s a messy eater! That’s so hot! I mean—deadly! It’s deadly!"

Uzi felt a surge of jealousy so potent it threatened to short-circuit her core. She grabbed a rag from her pocket and marched over to Mario, aggressively wiping the gravy off his mustache. "Mario! Have some dignity! You're making a scene in front of the enemies!"

Mario giggled, the rag tickling his nose. "Hehehe! Stop it, Uzi! That tickles-a the noodles!"

"Hey!" J barked, her visor flashing a red warning. "Stop touching the asset! That is a high-value biological specimen!"

"He’s a person!" Uzi yelled back, shielding Mario again. "And he’s my friend! You want him? You’ll have to go through my Railgun!"

"Gladly," J hissed.

Before the violence could erupt, Mario’s phone rang again. The loud, obnoxious "SMG4" theme song filled the warehouse. Mario fished it out of his pocket, still holding a meatball in his other hand.

"Hello? SMG4? You calling back for a pizza order?"

"MARIO! LISTEN TO ME!" SMG4’s voice was even more frantic than before. "We’ve got a lock on your signal! Meggy and Tari are coming through! We’re using a prototype warp-star, but it’s unstable! You need to stay exactly where you are!"

"Wait, more humans?" J’s eyes widened. "An infestation? This is a direct violation of planetary quarantine!"

"More friends?" Mario cheered. "Yay! Mario was getting lonely with just the toaster and the scary planes!"

"SCARY PLANES?!" V and J shouted in unison, looking offended.

Suddenly, the air in the center of the warehouse began to swirl with that familiar violet energy. The ground shook, and the remaining crates began to hover in the low-gravity wake of the portal.

"They're here!" Uzi gripped Mario’s arm, her digital eyes wide with panic. "Mario, if you go back... will you forget about me?"

Mario looked down at the small, purple drone. For a brief, fleeting second, the chaos in his brain cleared. He saw the genuine fear on her screen, the way she was clinging to him like he was the only solid thing in a crumbling world.

He reached out and patted her beanie-covered head. "Don't-a worry, Uzi. Mario never forgets a face! Especially one that looks like a grape!"

"I'm not a grape!" Uzi sobbed, her blush returning in full force.

The portal exploded outward in a flash of white light. From the rift, a blue and white blur came flying out, followed by a girl with orange hair and a very large ink-based weapon.

"MARIO!" Meggy yelled, landing in a superhero pose and immediately pointing her Splattershot at the nearest target—which happened to be V. "Get away from him, you scrap-heap!"

"Ooh, a feisty one," V laughed, her wings unfurling. "J, can we keep this one too? She looks like she’d be fun to Hunt."

"Focus, V!" J snapped, though she was busy staring at SMG4, who had just tumbled out of the portal and was trying to regain his balance.

"Mario! Thank God!" SMG4 gasped, clutching his hat. "Come on, we have to go! This portal is only going to stay open for thirty seconds before it collapses and turns us all into spaghetti!"

"Spaghetti?!" Mario’s head whipped around. "Where?!"

"It’s a metaphor, Mario! Move!"

SMG4 grabbed Mario’s other arm, but Uzi didn't let go. She pulled back, her servos whining. "He’s not going anywhere! He likes it here! We have... we have snow! And... and old cans of meat!"

"He’s coming with us, you bucket of bolts!" Meggy shouted, stepping forward.

"Ladies, ladies!" Mario shouted, holding up his hands. "There is enough of Mario for everyone! We can all share! We can have a big-a sleepover! We can watch movies, eat popcorn, and Mario can show you his collection of illegal fireworks!"

J stepped forward, her expression uncharacteristically soft. "Human... Mario. If you stay... I can offer you a position as 'Chief Morale Officer' of the Disassembly Squad. You will have a private quarters, all the 'meat-ish' balls you can eat, and... and I will personally supervise your daily grooming."

V nodded eagerly, her claws retracted for once. "And I'll let you ride on my back while I fly! We can go find things to explode!"

Mario looked at the Disassembly Drones. Then he looked at Uzi, who was looking at him with heartbreaking, digital puppy-dog eyes. Then he looked at SMG4 and Meggy, his family, who had traveled across dimensions just to find his stupid ass.

"Hmm..." Mario stroked his chin thoughtfully. "This is a tough one. On one hand, I love my friends. On the other hand... scary robot ladies are very convincing."

"Mario, we have literally five seconds!" SMG4 screamed. The portal was beginning to shrink, sparks of purple electricity dancing across the floor.

"I have an idea!" Mario yelled. He grabbed Uzi by the waist and tucked her under his arm like a football.

"Whoa! Hey!" Uzi shrieked.

"And you two!" Mario pointed at J and V. "You want to see the Mario Castle? It has a kitchen! And a basement where we keep the prisoners! It’s-a very cozy!"

J and V looked at each other. They looked at the portal. They looked at the human who was currently holding a Worker Drone and grinning like a maniac.

"It violates every regulation in the JCJenson handbook," J whispered.

"Let's do it," V said, her grin returning.

The two Disassembly Drones lunged forward just as SMG4 and Meggy tackled Mario toward the rift. The group collided in a chaotic heap of red fabric, orange ink, purple metal, and yellow-eyed killing machines.

With a final, deafening *CRACK*, the portal imploded.

The warehouse fell silent. The snow continued to drift through the hole in the roof, covering the empty can of meat-ish balls. The only sound left was the distant, fading echo of Mario’s voice.

"WAAAAAAHOOOOOOOO!"

***

Back at the SMG4 Castle, the courtyard was quiet until a massive explosion of purple light sent everyone flying.

Tari, who had been waiting anxiously with Saiko, screamed as a pile of bodies landed on the pavement. "Mario! You're back!"

"Ugh... my head..." SMG4 groaned, sitting up. He looked over and froze. "Uh... guys?"

Mario was standing in the center of the pile, looking triumphant. Uzi was still tucked under his arm, her visor displaying a series of confused "???" symbols. To his left, J was dusting off her pigtails and looking around the castle with a critical eye. To his right, V was already sniffing Saiko’s hammer with an expression of intense curiosity.

"Everyone!" Mario announced, spreading his arms wide. "I'm back! And I brought some new friends! This is Toaster-Girl, Corporate-Lady, and Psycho-Plane!"

Uzi finally managed to find her voice. She looked at the colorful, chaotic world of the Showgrounds, then at the strange group of people staring at her. She looked at Mario, who was currently trying to see if he could fit a whole brick in his mouth.

"I hate this," Uzi muttered, though she didn't move away from Mario's side. "I hate everything about this. This is so stupid and colorful and... and..." She felt Mario’s hand pat her head again. "...and I guess it’s better than the wasteland."

J looked at SMG4, her eyes narrowing. "You. Show me to your supervisor. We need to discuss the logistical nightmare of this 'castle' immediately. And someone get me a coffee. Black. Like my soul and the void of space."

V, meanwhile, had spotted a stray Goomba wandering nearby. Her wings snapped open, her eyes turning into yellow "X"s. "Ooh! A crunchy one!"

"V, NO!" Mario yelled, chasing after her. "THAT’S-A THE MAILMAN!"

As the chaos erupted once again in the Mushroom Kingdom, SMG4 just buried his face in his hands and sobbed quietly.

"Why? Why can't he just bring back a souvenir? Why does it always have to be sentient weapons of mass destruction?"

Meggy patted his shoulder, watching as Uzi tried to explain the concept of a "Sick-as-hell Railgun" to a very confused Tari. "Look on the bright side, SMG4. At least he’s not eating the castle. Yet."

In the distance, Mario’s laughter echoed through the air, followed by the sound of a very loud, very purple explosion.

Mario was home. And he’d brought the apocalypse with him. It was going to be a great week for content.