← Back to overview

Mario's obsessive fanclub or something

The Great Kitchen Crusade and the Toaster of Terror

The kitchen of Peach’s Castle was a place of culinary wonders, but under the current management of Mario, it had become a tactical war zone. The red-clad plumber was currently crouched on top of the marble island, his overalls slightly singed and his eyes narrowed into slits. In front of him sat a stainless-steel two-slice toaster, its chrome surface reflecting his distorted, angry face.

"You think you're-a tough, huh?" Mario hissed, poking the toaster with a wooden spoon he had salvaged from a drawer. "You hide the spicy meat. Mario knows you have-a the pepperoni hidden in your belly!"

From the shadows of the pantry doorway, the four voyeurs watched with bated breath. Meggy had her hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle, though her eyes were shining with what could only be described as intense pride.

"He’s interrogating the appliances again," Meggy whispered, leaning into the doorframe. "Look at that focus. He’s not going to let a piece of technology intimidate him. He’s a man of the people, fighting against the machine."

Saiko leaned her heavy hammer against the wall, crossing her arms over her chest. A smirk played on her lips. "I’ve seen world-class interrogators in manga who weren't half as intimidating as Red is right now. He’s got that raw, unhinged energy that just... it works for him."

Tari was busy fiddling with her Meta Runner arm, a holographic display hovering just above her wrist. "I’m scanning the toaster’s heat signature. There’s no pepperoni inside, but I don’t have the heart to tell him. He looks so determined. It’s like watching a hero from an ancient legend."

"He is the legend," Melony added softly, hugging her pillow. She had somehow managed to fall asleep while standing up for three seconds before snapping back to attention. "The toaster is the dragon. Mario is the knight. The spoon is his Excalibur."

Back at the "battlefield," Mario had decided that verbal intimidation wasn't working. He stood up on the counter, his boots crunching on a stray cracker.

"Fine! Have it your way!" Mario shouted, throwing the spoon over his shoulder. It narrowly missed SMG4, who was walking past the kitchen to get a glass of water.

"Mario, what the hell are you doing on the counter?" SMG4 yelled, stopping in his tracks. "And why are you screaming at the toaster? It’s unplugged!"

Mario didn't even look at him. "Silence, glitchy man! Mario is-a doing business! This shiny box stole the pepperoni that fell behind the fridge, and I know it’s-a holding it hostage!"

SMG4 looked at the toaster, then at Mario, then at the pantry where he could clearly see four sets of female eyes watching the scene with rapturous devotion. He sighed so deeply it felt like his soul was trying to exit his body.

"I'm leaving. I’m just leaving. If the kitchen explodes, don't call me," SMG4 muttered, turning on his heel and walking away, clutching his forehead.

Mario took the lack of interference as a sign of victory. He leaned down, his face inches away from the toaster’s slots. "Last chance, you bucket of bolts. Give Mario the meat, or suffer the consequences!"

When the toaster remained silent, Mario did the only logical thing a man of his intellect could do: he tried to sit on it.

"Mario, wait!" Tari squeaked from the shadows, her concern momentarily overriding her desire to stay hidden.

It was too late. Mario hopped into the air and landed rump-first on the toaster. The metal groaned under his weight, and the lever snapped down. Because the toaster was, in fact, unplugged, nothing happened. However, Mario’s sheer density caused the appliance to tip backward, sending both the plumber and the machine sliding across the counter.

With a crash that sounded like a symphony of falling pans, Mario tumbled into the sink.

"He’s down!" Meggy cried, forgetting all stealth as she rushed into the kitchen. "Red! Speak to me! Are you okay?"

Saiko, Tari, and Melony followed close behind. They crowded around the sink, where Mario was currently wedged upside down, his legs kicking the air and the toaster somehow perched perfectly on his belly.

"I have-a defeated the beast," Mario muffled from the depths of the basin. "But the beast has-a trapped me in its porcelain prison. Send... send help. And pasta."

Saiko reached down, grabbing Mario by the back of his overalls and hauling him out with effortless strength. She set him on his feet, gently brushing some imaginary dust off his shoulders. "That was incredible, Mario. You really showed that toaster who’s boss."

Mario blinked, his eyes swirling in opposite directions for a moment before focusing on Saiko. "Oh! Hello, scary pink lady! Did you see? Mario fought the dragon!"

"We saw everything," Meggy said, stepping forward to adjust his hat, her fingers lingering just a second too long on the brim. "Your bravery is unmatched, Red. Most people would have just bought more pepperoni, but you... you fought for what was yours."

Tari reached out, tentatively patting Mario’s arm. "You didn't even get a scratch. You’re so... durable. Like a big, red stress ball."

Melony walked up and handed Mario a single, slightly dusty pepperoni she had found on the floor near the fridge. "The spoils of war," she said solemnly.

Mario’s eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. He took the pepperoni with trembling hands, looking at it as if it were a holy relic. "The treasure! It was-a real! I knew it!"

He shoved the pepperoni into his mouth, chewed twice, and swallowed with a satisfied "Yum!"

"Now that Mario is-a fed, Mario must-a resume his duties!" he declared, striking a pose that made his belly jiggle prominently.

"And what duties are those, Mario?" Meggy asked, her voice filled with genuine curiosity.

"Mario must-a find the source of the mysterious 'beeping' in the hallway," he explained, pointing a finger toward the corridor. "It has-a been beeping for three days. Mario thinks it is a bomb. Or a very small, very rhythmic bird."

"It’s the smoke detector battery, Mario," Tari whispered, though she looked enchanted by his theory.

"A BIRD-BOMB!" Mario screamed, his eyes bulging. "I must-a go! The castle is-a in danger!"

He took off at a sprint, but instead of running through the door, he tried to take a shortcut by jumping through the serving hatch. He got halfway through before his stomach acted as a natural brake, pinning him in the wall.

"I am-a stuck!" Mario announced, his legs wiggling frantically on the kitchen side while his head and torso dangled in the hallway. "This is-a the end! Tell my spaghetti I loved her!"

The girls didn't even hesitate. They moved as a unit, surrounding the stuck plumber.

"Don't worry, Mario! We’ll save you!" Meggy shouted, grabbing one of his legs.

"I’ll get the butter!" Melony suggested, already heading for the fridge.

Saiko, however, just leaned against the wall next to Mario’s dangling upper half. She reached out and poked his nose, causing him to let out a confused "D’oh!"

"You know, for a guy who saves the world constantly, you spend a lot of time stuck in walls," Saiko remarked, her voice uncharacteristically soft.

Mario looked up at her, a bit of drool escaping the corner of his mouth. "It is-a the price of being a superstar. The walls, they-a love Mario too much. They don't want to let-a me go."

Saiko felt her heart skip a beat. "Yeah. I guess I can't blame them."

In the hallway, Tari was gently stroking Mario’s boots. "It’s okay, Mario. We’re going to pull you through. Just... try to breathe in?"

"Mario doesn't know how to breathe on command!" he wailed. "That is-a advanced biology!"

Meggy and Tari began to pull on his legs, while Melony returned and started slathering Mario’s waist with an entire tub of margarine.

"Wait, wait!" Mario shouted. "That-a tickles! Ho ho! Hee hee! Stop it! Mario is-a gonna—"

A sound like a wet cork popping echoed through the kitchen as Mario was suddenly launched through the hatch by the combined force of the girls' pulling and the lubricating power of the margarine. He flew across the hallway, bounced off a portrait of Princess Peach, and landed in a heap on a decorative rug.

The girls tumbled out of the kitchen after him, breathless and flushed. They stood over him, looking down at the grease-covered, confused, and slightly dizzy man.

"Are you okay, Red?" Meggy asked, offering a hand.

Mario took it, but instead of standing up, he used her arm to pull himself into a sitting position. He looked at his margarine-covered hands, then licked one.

"Mmm... salty," he noted.

Tari giggled, her face turning a bright shade of blue to match her hair. "He’s so resourceful. He turned a rescue mission into a snack."

"He’s a genius," Melony agreed, nodding slowly.

Mario suddenly stood up, his feet slipping slightly on the rug due to the grease. He began to slide across the floor like a professional ice skater, despite not moving his legs at all.

"WHEEEEEEE! MARIO IS-A FAST! I AM-A THE SPEED!"

He slid down the long hallway, heading straight for the grand staircase.

"We have to follow him!" Meggy yelled, a competitive spark in her eyes. "He’s going too fast! He might hit a wall!"

"Or he might break the sound barrier!" Tari added, her eyes wide with wonder.

As the girls gave chase, Mario reached the top of the stairs. He didn't stop. He didn't even slow down. He hit the top step and transitioned into a perfect belly-flop, sliding down the banister on his stomach while shouting "YAHOO!" at the top of his lungs.

At the bottom of the stairs, Bob and Fishy Boopkins were standing, discussing something involving anime girls and garbage.

"AnD tHeN i SaId, ThAt'S nOt A rEaL wAiFu, ThAt'S a—" Bob started, only to be cut off as a grease-covered Mario flew off the end of the banister like a red-and-blue missile.

"INCOMING-A MARIO!"

Mario slammed into Bob, sending the hooded trash-dweller flying into a suit of armor. Mario himself bounced off and landed on Boopkins, squishing the green spike-fish into the carpet.

"Ow! Mario! What are you doing?" Boopkins cried, his voice muffled by Mario’s rear end.

"Mario is-a practicing for the Winter Olympics!" the plumber shouted, standing up and performing a clumsy bow.

The girls arrived at the top of the stairs, looking down at the carnage with hearts in their eyes.

"Did you see that landing?" Meggy asked, her voice hushed with awe. "The way he used Bob to cushion his momentum? His tactical awareness is off the charts."

"He’s so athletic," Tari sighed, clutching the railing. "He just flew through the air like a majestic eagle. A chubby, greasy eagle."

Saiko looked down at Bob, who was currently trying to detangle his blades from the visor of a knight’s helmet. "Hey, Bob! Get out of the way! You’re ruining the view!"

"WhAt ArE yOu TaLkInG aBoUt? ThIs IdIoT jUsT bRoKe My RiBs!" Bob complained.

"He graced you with his presence, Bob," Melony said, appearing behind the girls. "You should be thankful."

Mario, meanwhile, had found a nearby vase and was currently trying to see if his head would fit inside it.

"Look at him," Meggy whispered, leads her chin on her hand. "He’s exploring. He’s a pioneer of the unknown."

"I wonder what he’s thinking right now," Tari mused.

Inside Mario’s head, a single image of a dancing taco played on a loop to the tune of a kazoo.

"I think," Saiko said, a rare, genuine smile crossing her face, "he’s thinking about how much he loves being himself. And honestly? I wouldn't have him any other way."

Mario finally managed to get the vase stuck on his head. He began to stumble around the foyer, banging into walls and shouting, "WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS? MARIO IS-A BLIND! HELP! THE DARKNESS IS-A COLD AND SMELLS LIKE FLOWERS!"

"We’re coming, Mario!" the girls shouted in unison, rushing down the stairs to save their favorite idiot once again.

From his balcony, SMG4 watched the scene, a single tear of frustration rolling down his cheek. "I’m definitely moving to a different kingdom. Maybe Bowser needs a roommate."

But down below, the laughter and the chaos continued. Mario was a disaster, a moron, and a walking health hazard—but to the girls of the crew, he was the most captivating thing in the world. And as long as there was spaghetti to eat and vases to get stuck in, Mario would always have his adoring, obsessive audience.