Mario's Yandere drones
The Fox and the Plumber
The living room of SMG4’s castle was thick with a tension that could be cut with a chainsaw—or, more accurately, with the razor-sharp wings of a Disassembly Drone. Mario was sprawled across the velvet cushions, his hand buried deep in a bag of extra-greasy chips. To his left, Uzi Doorman had her head resting on his shoulder, her visor displaying a series of soft purple heart icons as she muttered about the "organic beauty" of his mustache. To his right, V was absentmindedly sharpening her claws against her own metallic thigh, her yellow optics fixed on Mario with a gaze that hovered somewhere between "I want to protect you" and "I want to see what your insides look like."
Perched on the headrest behind them, J was busy filing a report on a digital tablet, though her eyes kept darting down to the top of Mario’s red hat. "Subject continues to exhibit peak alpha-male behavior," she whispered into her built-in recorder. "Current status: Irresistible."
"Guys, I can't see the TV," Mario complained, trying to lean around V’s massive hair. "The spaghetti documentary is getting to the part where they boil the water! That's the best part!"
"Don't worry, Mario," Uzi hissed, glancing at the doorway where SMG4, Meggy, and Tari were peeking in. "If anyone tries to change the channel, I’ll blast them into the next dimension."
"I was just going to ask if he wanted a soda..." Tari squeaked, clutching a can of Pepsi like a shield.
V’s hand instantly shifted into a missile launcher. "He doesn't need your carbonated poison, blue one. He has us."
Before the situation could devolve into a full-scale robotic uprising, the air in the center of the room began to hum. It was a familiar, low-frequency vibration that made the hair on the back of Mario’s neck stand up.
"Oh, come on!" SMG4 yelled, running into the room. "Not again! I haven't even finished the insurance paperwork for the last one!"
A swirl of cherry-blossom pink and ethereal white energy tore through the air. Unlike the violent, jagged purple vortex from before, this one smelled faintly of incense and salt spray. It didn't just pull; it seemed to reach out with invisible, graceful hands.
"Mario!" Meggy shouted, lunging for his hand.
"Get away from him!" Uzi screamed, grabbing Mario’s torso. V and J didn't hesitate, deploying their wings and digging their talons into the sofa to anchor the plumber down.
"Mamma mia! Mario is being played like a golden accordion!" Mario yelled as his body was stretched between the three drones and the growing rift.
The pink vortex gave a sudden, rhythmic pulse, like a heartbeat. The force was overwhelming. With a sound like a harp string snapping, the drones were flung backward into the wall, and the SMG4 crew was knocked flat. Mario was pulled headfirst into the swirling light, his red hat the last thing visible before the portal collapsed into a single, falling cherry blossom petal.
***
Mario felt like he was being tumbled inside a giant washing machine filled with perfume. When the spinning finally stopped, he didn't hit a pile of dead robots. Instead, he felt the soft, high-backed support of a leather chair.
He blinked, rubbing his eyes. "Ooh... my head feels like it was sat on by Wario."
He wasn't in the castle. He wasn't on a frozen wasteland. He was sitting behind a massive, polished mahogany desk in a room that looked like a high-end Japanese office from the 1940s. Large windows behind him looked out over a sparkling blue ocean where massive, futuristic warships were docked. The walls were adorned with katanas and maps of the Pacific.
"Where is the TV?" Mario asked, looking around. He looked down at himself and let out a confused noise. He wasn't wearing his overalls. Instead, he was clad in a crisp, white military commander’s uniform, complete with gold epaulettes and a chest full of medals he definitely hadn't earned.
He leaned forward and squinted at a small brass nameplate on the desk. It read: *Supreme Commander Mario - Sakura Empire.*
"Super-duper commander?" Mario grinned, his ego instantly inflating. "Finally! People have to listen to Mario! First order of business: all vegetables are illegal!"
Suddenly, the heavy double doors of the office burst open with a resounding bang.
"Commander! You're awake! You've been staring at that wall for three hours and I was starting to get worried!"
A girl came sprinting into the room. She had long, flowing brown hair, but what caught Mario's attention were the large, fluffy fox ears twitching atop her head and the massive, bushy tail wagging frantically behind her. She wore a traditional miko-style outfit fused with military flair.
She skidded to a halt in front of the desk, her eyes wide and shimmering with a mix of adoration and relief.
"Atago?" Mario guessed, reading a file that happened to be open on his desk.
The girl let out a soft, delighted gasp, her face flushing a deep crimson. She lunged across the desk, not to attack, but to pull Mario into a suffocatingly tight hug. "Oh, Commander! You remembered my name! My heart... it's beating so fast!"
"Ugh... too much... fluff..." Mario wheezed, his face buried in her incredibly soft shoulder.
Atago pulled back just an inch, her hands resting on his shoulders. Her gaze was intense, her golden eyes scanning his face as if he were the most precious treasure in the world. "You look so handsome in your uniform today, Commander. Though, you seem a bit... rounder than this morning? And your mustache is much more... majestic."
"It’s-a me, Mario!" he managed to say, straightening his cap. "I’m the boss of the boats, right?"
Atago giggled, a melodic sound that seemed to make the very air feel warmer. "Of course you are, silly. You are the heart of the Sakura Empire. Without you, we would all be lost at sea." She leaned in closer, her fox ears brushing against his forehead. "And since you've worked so hard, I think it's time for your reward, don't you?"
Mario’s eyes lit up. "Is it spaghetti?"
Atago paused, blinking in confusion. "Spath-getty? Is that a new type of oxygen-torpedo? No, Commander... I was thinking more along the lines of a very long, very close ear-rubbing session in the gardens."
Mario looked disappointed for a split second, but then he realized "gardens" usually meant "picnics." And picnics meant food. "Okay! Mario will go to the garden! But only if there are snacks!"
"I shall have the finest bento boxes prepared immediately!" Atago declared, her tail swishing so hard it knocked a pencil cup off the desk. She grabbed Mario’s hand, her grip surprisingly firm. "Come! The others are waiting to see you. Takao has been practicing her sword dance, and Akagi... well, Akagi has been trying to break into your bedroom again, so we should probably hurry before she finds the spare key."
As Atago led Mario through the ornate hallways of the naval base, Mario noticed something strange. Every woman they passed—many of whom had animal ears, tails, or strange mechanical rigging attached to their backs—stopped dead in their tracks.
A girl with white fox ears and a massive blue sword dropped her weapon with a loud *clatter* as Mario walked by. A small girl in a purple dress nearly fell off her floating cushion. They all stared at the short, mustachioed man with a look of hypnotic attraction.
"Is it the hat?" Mario whispered to himself. "It must be the hat."
They reached a sprawling courtyard filled with blooming cherry blossoms. The petals drifted through the air like pink snow. In the center of the garden, a group of women were gathered around a low table.
"Look who I found!" Atago chirped, practically vibrating with pride as she presented Mario.
A woman with long black hair and a red ribbon—Akagi—stood up slowly. Her eyes were fixed on Mario with an intensity that made the Disassembly Drones look calm. A dark, swirling aura of passion seemed to radiate from her.
"Commander..." Akagi whispered, her voice trembling. "You've finally returned to us. And you look... so much more... squeezable."
"Uh... hello, fox lady," Mario waved.
Before he could say anything else, his pocket vibrated. He pulled out his phone, which had somehow survived the trip. The screen flickered to life, showing a very frantic SMG4.
"Mario! Where are you now?!" the YouTuber screamed. "I’m looking at the GPS and it says you're in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, but the year is 1942?! What is happening?!"
The moment the voice came from the phone, the atmosphere in the garden turned icy. Akagi’s nine tails flared out behind her like a demonic fan. Atago’s grip on Mario’s arm tightened, her claws momentarily digging into his sleeve.
"Who is that?" Akagi asked, her voice dropping to a dangerous, honeyed purr. "Who is trying to take our Commander away from his duties?"
"It's just my friend, SMG4!" Mario said, trying to hold the phone up. "He’s a bit of a loser, but he—"
"A 'friend'?" Atago’s eyes narrowed, a yandere-like glint appearing in her pupils. "A friend who wants to steal you from your home? From your fleet? From *me*?"
"He sounds like a spy," Takao added, stepping forward and resting her hand on the hilt of her katana. "Commander, give us the device. We shall dismantle it and find this 'SMG4' to ensure he never bothers you again."
"No! Don't kill the phone! It has my high scores on it!" Mario protested, hugging the device to his chest.
Just then, the air behind Mario began to ripple with that familiar, jagged purple energy.
"Oh, no," Mario groaned. "Not the purple one again."
"Mario! We've got a lock on you!" SMG4’s voice yelled. "We're pulling you back! Brace yourself!"
"Stay away from him!" Akagi screamed, lunging toward Mario. Atago grabbed his other arm, and several other ship-girls dived forward, desperate to keep their Commander in their reality.
The pink energy of the Sakura Empire clashed with the purple energy of the SMG4 portal. The result was a blinding white explosion that leveled a nearby pagoda.
***
Back in the castle living room, the SMG4 crew was huddled together, staring at the swirling vortex they had managed to force open.
"Come on, come on..." SMG4 muttered, typing furiously on a console. "Bring him home!"
With a massive *thump*, Mario was ejected from the portal, sliding across the floor and crashing into the TV.
"Oof! My spaghetti-sensing nerves!" Mario wailed.
"Mario! You're okay!" Tari cheered, rushing forward.
But Mario wasn't alone. Clinging to his left arm was Atago, her fox ears flattened against her head and her eyes wide with possessive terror. Clinging to his right arm was Akagi, who was already summoning blue spirit fire in her palms as she glared at the room.
And from the shadows of the corner, the three Murder Drones—Uzi, V, and J—rose to their feet.
The silence that followed was deafening.
Uzi looked at the two fox-eared women clinging to Mario. Her visor flickered with a massive, red 'FATAL ERROR' sign. "Who... the hell... are they?"
Atago looked at Uzi’s railgun and J’s metallic wings. She stood up, shielding Mario with her own body. "I am the Commander’s devoted sister. And you look like a collection of very rude toaster ovens."
V’s hands shifted into chainsaws. "Toaster ovens? Oh, that’s cute. I’m going to enjoy skinning those tails."
"Ladies, ladies!" Mario shouted, standing up between the two groups. "There is plenty of Mario to go around! But first... someone get me a pizza! Mario is starving!"
SMG4 looked at the three Murder Drones on one side, the two high-tier Ship-Girls on the other, and Mario in the middle, picking a cherry blossom petal out of his mustache.
"Luigi," SMG4 said quietly.
"Yeah?"
"Start building more bedrooms. And maybe a bunker. A very deep, very reinforced bunker."
Mario plopped back down on the sofa. Atago immediately curled up at his feet, resting her head on his knees. Uzi shoved her way in to sit on his lap, glaring at the fox girl. V perched on the armrest, and Akagi began pacing behind the sofa like a hungry wolf.
"This is getting crowded," Mario remarked, opening a new bag of chips. "But at least the fluff is top-quality."
As the news came back on the TV, reporting that the "tax-evading plumber" had now been spotted in a high-ranking military uniform, Mario just sighed happily. He didn't know where the next portal would take him, but as long as it had snacks and women who didn't make him do chores, he was perfectly fine with being the most popular man in the multiverse.