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Mario's Yanderes

The Spaghetti Standoff

The kitchen of the Mushroom Kingdom castle was usually a place of chaotic culinary disasters, mostly involving Mario trying to cook things that weren't meant to be heated or SMG4 trying to find a snack at three in the morning. Today, however, it felt like a high-security vault.

Mario sat at the central wooden table, happily slurping down the spaghetti Luigi had provided. He was in his own little world, a world made of tomato sauce and carbohydrates. Luigi stood nervously by the stove, pretending to stir a pot of water just to have something to do with his shaking hands.

Just outside the kitchen archway, the "Mario Fan Club" stood in a semi-circle, watching. They didn't enter—not yet—but their presence was heavy. Meggy was leaning against the doorframe, her arms crossed, her eyes narrowed with a protective intensity that made Luigi feel like he was being watched by a hawk. Tari was peeking from behind Saiko, her mechanical eye zooming in and out as she captured every "adorable" slurping sound Mario made.

"Is he... is he breathing okay while he eats?" Tari whispered, her voice laced with genuine concern. "He’s eating so fast. What if he chokes?"

"If he chokes, I’ll perform emergency surgery with my hammer," Saiko stated firmly, her hand resting on the handle of her weapon.

Karen sighed, her tail flicking with irritation. "You’d just flatten him, you idiot. I’ve got the Heimlich maneuver down to a science. I’ve had to use it on three of my kids this week alone. Mario is basically just a very large, very round toddler."

Luigi cleared his throat, his voice cracking. "U-um, guys? You’re kind of crowding the air. Mario likes a little bit of... you know, oxygen with his pasta."

Meggy stepped forward, her boots clicking sharply on the tile. "We’re just making sure he’s safe, Luigi. After the way SMG4 treated him earlier, he needs to know he’s supported. He’s fragile."

Mario paused, a long noodle hanging from his lip. He looked up at Meggy, then at the others. "Mario isn't fragile! Mario is made of steel and cholesterol!" To prove his point, he flexed his arm, which resulted in a small puff of flour escaping his sleeve.

The girls all let out a collective "Aww."

"He thinks he’s tough," Saiko cooed, a look on her face that could only be described as terrifyingly soft. "It’s so cute I want to punch a wall."

Luigi leaned over to his brother, whispering urgently. "Mario, we need to get out of here. They’re looking at you like you’re a rare Pokémon and they’ve all got Master Balls."

Mario swallowed the noodle. "But Luigi, the spaghetti is here. Why would Mario leave the spaghetti? That’s like leaving a bathroom when you still have to 'poo-poo.' It makes no sense!"

"I’ll bring the pot with us!" Luigi hissed. "Just... follow me."

Luigi grabbed the handle of the spaghetti pot and started to shuffle toward the back exit that led to the gardens. Mario, driven by his stomach, hopped off his stool and followed close behind.

The girls immediately pivoted like a synchronized swimming team.

"Where are you taking him, Luigi?" Meggy asked, her voice losing its sweetness and gaining a sharp, competitive edge.

"Just for a walk!" Luigi squeaked. "Fresh air! It’s good for the... the mustache!"

"We’ll come too," Tari said brightly, clapping her hands. "We can have a picnic! I’ll go get the blankets and the tactical support drones!"

"No!" Luigi shouted, then immediately lowered his voice when Saiko’s eyes turned red. "I mean... it’s a brother thing. You know? Mario and Luigi time. The Mario Bros. The Super ones? Remember?"

The girls stopped. They looked at each other. There was a moment of tense deliberation.

"Brother time is important," Karen admitted, checking her claws. "But I don't trust you not to let him fall into a pipe or get eaten by a Chain Chomp. You’re a bit of a coward, Luigi."

"I’m not a coward! I’m... selectively brave!" Luigi defended himself.

Mario, sensing the tension, decided to intervene in the only way he knew how: by being incredibly distracting. He grabbed a meatball and began to juggle it with his feet. "Look at Mario! I’m a soccer player! Goal! Goal! Wahoo!"

As the girls distracted themselves by cheering for Mario’s "athleticism," Luigi managed to nudge Mario toward the door. They slipped out into the bright afternoon sun of the castle gardens, the heavy wooden door clicking shut behind them.

"Run!" Luigi whispered.

"But Mario is a slow runner! I have the body of a beanbag chair!" Mario complained, though he did pick up the pace, waddling as fast as his legs would carry him toward the hedge maze.

They dove into the greenery, twisting and turning through the tall walls of leaves until they reached a small, secluded clearing with a stone bench. Luigi set the pot of spaghetti down and collapsed onto the bench, gasping for air.

"I think... I think we lost them," Luigi wheezed.

Mario sat down next to him, immediately diving back into the pot. "Luigi, why are the girls being so weird? Usually, Meggy tells Mario he’s an idiot and Saiko threatens to bury him alive. Now they’re acting like Mario is a golden retriever."

Luigi wiped sweat from his forehead. "I don't know, Mario. It’s like some kind of weird glitch in the universe. Maybe SMG4’s latest meme was so powerful it broke their brains? Or maybe they’ve just finally realized how much you... uh... 'contribute' to the team?"

Mario stopped mid-chew. "Mario contributes a lot! I provide the comedy, the tragedy, and the occasional smell that makes people leave the room so we have more space!"

"I know, I know," Luigi said, patting his brother's back. "But the way they’re acting... it’s possessive. It’s not just being nice. It’s like they’re competing over you."

A rustle in the hedges made Luigi jump three feet into the air. He scrambled behind Mario, using the plumber as a human shield.

"Who’s there? I have a brother and I’m not afraid to use him!" Luigi yelled.

The hedges parted, but it wasn't the girls. It was Bob and Fishy Boopkins, looking equally frazzled. Bob was carrying a bag of stolen snacks, and Boopkins was clutching a waifu pillow like a life jacket.

"Oh, thank God, it’s just you guys," Luigi sighed, stepping out from behind Mario.

"Yo, is the coast clear?" Bob asked, his green hood twitching as he scanned the area. "Those chicks have gone totally mental. I tried to ask Saiko for five bucks and she almost took my head off because I was 'disturbing the peace of Mario’s aura.' What the hell is a Mario aura? Does it smell like old cheese?"

"It smells like greatness!" Mario retorted.

"Guys, this is serious," Boopkins said, his big eyes watery. "They’re not acting like themselves. Tari didn't even want to talk about the new anime season! She just kept asking me if I knew what Mario’s favorite color of ribbon was. I told her red, and she started taking notes!"

"We need to find SMG4," Luigi said. "He’s the one who usually handles the weird stuff. If anyone knows how to fix their brains, it’s him."

"SMG4 is currently hiding in the attic with SMG3," Bob noted. "They’ve barricaded the door with memes and discarded trash. They’re convinced the girls are going to start a cult."

"A cult of Mario?" Mario’s eyes lit up. "Would there be sacrifices? Because Mario would like some sacrificed hams."

"No hams, Mario!" Luigi groaned.

Suddenly, a shadow fell over the clearing. The four of them looked up. Perched on top of the hedge wall was Karen, her eyes glowing in the sunlight. She looked down at them with the cold, calculated gaze of a predator who had just found a nest of mice.

"Found him," she said into a small walkie-talkie.

"Abort! Abort!" Bob screamed, spinning his blades. "Every man for himself! I’m outie!"

Bob sprinted off into the maze, leaving a trail of dust. Boopkins tried to follow, but he tripped over his own feet and ended up rolling like a green ball into a nearby bush.

Mario and Luigi were left alone as the other three girls emerged from different paths in the maze, effectively surrounding the bench. They didn't look angry—they looked delighted.

"There you are, Mario," Meggy said, stepping into the clearing. She was holding a fresh plate of crackers and cheese. "We were worried you’d gotten lost. The gardens are so big, and you have such a poor sense of direction."

"Mario knows exactly where he is!" Mario protested. "I am... uh... next to the green wall!"

"He’s so brave, standing his ground," Tari whispered, clutching her hands together.

Saiko stepped forward, looming over Luigi. "Move, Greenie. It’s time for Mario’s afternoon nap. We’ve prepared a specialized relaxation zone in the living room with 4K resolution videos of dancing pasta."

Luigi felt the cold sweat returning. "N-nap? Mario doesn't take naps! He has too much energy! Right, Mario?"

Mario looked at the mention of dancing pasta. "Wait, dancing pasta? Is it the spicy kind or the regular kind?"

"Whichever you want, Mario," Meggy said, reaching out a hand. "Come on. Let’s leave Luigi here to... do whatever it is Luigi does."

Luigi felt a surge of protectiveness. He knew his brother was an idiot, and he knew Mario was often the cause of their problems, but seeing him treated like a prize to be won felt wrong. He stood up, planting his feet firmly between Mario and the girls.

"No!" Luigi shouted. "You guys are being weird! This isn't how you treat a friend! You’re acting like he’s a toy! Mario is a person! A very, very stupid person, but a person nonetheless!"

The air in the clearing turned cold. Saiko’s eyes narrowed into slits. Meggy’s hand twitched toward her belt.

"We’re treating him with the respect he deserves," Saiko said, her voice dropping an octave. "Something you and SMG4 have failed to do for years."

"We’re protecting him," Tari added, her voice trembling. "The world is mean to Mario. We won't let it be mean anymore."

"By being mean to everyone else?" Luigi countered. "You’re scaring him! Look at him!"

They all turned to look at Mario. The plumber was currently trying to see if he could fit an entire cracker into his nostril. He stopped when he realized everyone was looking at him.

"Uh... Mario is doing a science?" he squeaked.

"See?" Meggy said, turning back to Luigi. "He needs constant supervision. Now, step aside, Luigi. We don't want to hurt you, but we will if you keep getting in the way of his happiness."

Luigi looked at the four of them. He was terrified. He was a man who screamed at his own shadow. But he looked at Mario, who was looking increasingly uncomfortable with the intensity of the girls' stares, and he found a tiny spark of courage deep within his green hat.

"I’m not moving," Luigi said, his voice shaking but firm. "If you want Mario, you have to go through me."

There was a long, tense silence. The wind rustled the leaves of the hedge maze. Karen jumped down from her perch, landing softly on the grass.

"He’s actually standing up to us," Karen remarked, sounding almost impressed. "That’s cute. Stupid, but cute."

Just as Saiko started to raise her hammer, a loud *CRASH* echoed from the castle. Everyone froze.

A plume of purple and white smoke billowed from the attic window. A second later, SMG4 and SMG3 came tumbling out of the window, falling through the air and landing in a heap in the fountain at the center of the garden.

"IT’S LOOSE!" SMG4 screamed, flailing in the water. "THE MEME CATALYST IS LOOSE!"

A strange, glowing orb of pure internet energy floated out of the attic window. It was pulsing with chaotic colors, emitting sounds of distorted "oof" noises and screaming goats.

The orb drifted over the garden, and as its light washed over the girls, they all blinked. The intense, obsessive glow in their eyes flickered.

Meggy rubbed her temples, stumbling back. "Wait... what am I doing in the maze? I was supposed to be training."

Tari blinked rapidly, her mechanical eye returning to its normal blue. "Oh my gosh! Why am I holding a tactical drone controller? I was just playing Smash Bros!"

Saiko looked at her hammer, then at Mario, then at Luigi. A look of pure horror crossed her face. "Did I... did I just call Mario 'precious'?"

Karen looked at her walkie-talkie and immediately threw it into the bushes. "I’m going home. I’m not paid enough for whatever psychological break just happened."

The "Mario-pocalypse" seemed to have broken as quickly as it had begun. The girls looked confused, slightly embarrassed, and mostly exhausted.

Mario, however, was disappointed. "Wait! What about the dancing pasta? And the sacrificed hams?"

Luigi slumped against the stone bench, his heart rate finally slowing down. "It’s over. It’s finally over."

SMG4 climbed out of the fountain, dripping wet and holding a broken remote. "Sorry guys! My 'Appreciation Ray' had a bit of a feedback loop! I was trying to make everyone less grumpy for the next video, but I think I dialed the 'Adoration' setting to eleven million!"

Meggy walked over to SMG4 and, without saying a word, punched him in the arm.

"Ow! Hey!"

"Don't ever do that again," Meggy warned, though her face was flushed with embarrassment. She glanced at Mario, who was now licking the bottom of the spaghetti pot. "And Mario? If you tell anyone about today, I will personally ensure you never eat pasta again."

Mario looked up, sauce smeared across his nose. "Tell them what? That you guys love Mario? Everyone loves Mario! I’m delicious!"

Saiko groaned, dragging her hammer behind her as she headed back to the castle. "I need a drink. A very strong drink. And a shower to wash off the shame."

Tari gave a small, shy wave to Mario and Luigi before scurrying after Saiko. "Sorry for the... um... the weirdness! Bye!"

As the garden cleared, Luigi looked at his brother. Mario was back to his usual, idiotic self, trying to see if he could wear the empty spaghetti pot as a hat.

"Well," Luigi sighed, "at least things are back to normal."

"Luigi?" Mario asked, the pot perched precariously on his head.

"Yeah, Mario?"

"Can we still have the meatballs?"

Luigi smiled, putting an arm around his brother’s shoulder. "Yeah, Mario. Let’s go get those meatballs."

Up in the attic window, the glowing orb of meme energy finally flickered and died. But for a brief moment, the Mushroom Kingdom had seen a version of Mario that was loved a little too much—and for Luigi, the quiet, normal idiocy of his brother was more than enough.