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The drone charmer

The Mechanical Meatball's New Roommates

The silence in the castle foyer was so thick you could cut it with one of V’s wings. SMG4 stood frozen, his eyes darting between Mario—who was already snoring softly—and the three metallic terrors currently claiming him as a territory. The air smelled of burnt ozone and Mario’s signature scent of old grease and tomato sauce.

"Okay, okay, let’s all just... take a collective breath," SMG4 said, holding his hands up in a placating gesture. "I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation for why three highly advanced, lethal-looking machines are treating Mario like a giant plushie."

J’s head snapped toward him, her yellow visor flickering with a sharp, judgmental glare. "The explanation is simple, hairball. This organic possesses a level of structural resilience and 'don't-care' energy that is statistically impossible. He is a high-value asset. Therefore, he is under the protection of JCJenson—unofficially."

"He’s not an asset, he’s a person!" Meggy shouted, stepping forward. "And he’s our friend! Let him go!"

Uzi, still clamped onto Mario’s leg, bared her jagged teeth. Her visor displayed a flickering "DO NOT TOUCH" warning in bright purple text. "Back off, ginger! You had your chance to look after him, and you let him get sucked into a vortex! He’s with the cool, edgy crowd now!"

"Cool? Edgy?" Saiko scoffed, leaning on her massive hammer. "You look like a toaster that went through a Goth phase."

Uzi’s railgun hummed with a low, menacing whine. "Say that again. I dare you. I’ll turn your hammer into a very expensive paperweight."

"Everyone, shut up!" Tari squeaked, waving her robotic arm frantically. "You’re going to wake him up, and you know how cranky Mario gets when he doesn't get his full eighteen hours of beauty sleep!"

As if on cue, Mario let out a loud, wet snort. He shifted on the sofa, causing V to slide slightly. Without opening his eyes, Mario reached out and patted V’s smooth, white-plated head.

"Nice... doggy..." Mario mumbled in his sleep.

V’s murderous grin didn't falter, but a faint yellow blush crept across her visor. She let out a soft, mechanical purr that sounded like a blender full of velvet. "He called me a doggy. J, can I keep him? I promise to feed him and only bite him a little bit."

"We are keeping him, V. Keep up," J snapped, though she was busy inspecting Mario’s gloved hand with a look of intense scientific curiosity.

SMG4 groaned, rubbing his temples. "This is a nightmare. I have a video due in three hours, and I have three interdimensional terminators occupying my living room. Bob! Boopkins! Do something!"

Bob stepped forward, his hooded rags swaying. "hEy lAdIeS. i sEe yOu lIkE rEbElS wItH dAnGeRoUs aTtItUdEs. hOw aBoUt yOu dItCh tHe fAt pLuMbEr aNd jOiN mY mAnSiOn? i hAvE bItCoIn aNd sEvErAl lAwSuItS pEnDiNg."

J looked Bob up and down for exactly half a second. "Target identified: Garbage. Commencing trash disposal."

She raised her arm, which instantly transformed into a multi-barreled machine gun.

"wAiT nO i wAs jUsT kIdDiNg pLeAsE dOn'T sHoOt mY oVaRiEs!" Bob yelled, diving behind a suit of armor just as a hail of bullets shredded the spot where he had been standing.

The gunfire woke Mario up instantly. He sat bolt upright, sending the drones scrambling to maintain their grip on him.

"WAHHH! Is it the IRS?! I told you, I don't pay-a the taxes for the spaghetti!" Mario screamed, flailing his arms.

"It’s okay, Mario! It’s just J being a bit... assertive!" V chirped, wrapping her bladed wings around him in a protective, albeit terrifying, cocoon.

Mario blinked, looking at the three girls. "Oh. It’s the toasters. Hey, can you guys make toast? I’m-a really hungry."

Uzi let go of his leg and stood up on the sofa, looking down at him with a determined expression. "Mario, listen to me. We are in a strange, bright, disgusting world full of 'people' and 'sunshine.' You are the only thing here that makes sense. We’re hungry too. Where is the oil? Or the batteries? Or the souls of the innocent?"

Mario scratched his chin. "We have-a some leftover pizza in the fridge? And I think there’s a car battery in the garage that Luigi was using for his... whatever Luigi does."

"Pizza?" J asked, her visor tilting in confusion. "Is that a type of lubricant?"

"It’s better than lubricant! It’s-a the meaning of life!" Mario hopped off the sofa, dragging the three drones with him as they refused to let go of his clothes. He waddled toward the kitchen like a mother duck followed by three very dangerous ducklings.

The SMG4 crew followed at a safe distance.

"Should we stop them?" Boopkins asked, clutching his anime girl pillow. "They look like they might eat the fridge."

"I want to see them try the pizza," Meggy whispered, her curiosity momentarily outweighing her concern. "If they can survive Mario’s cooking, they can survive anything."

In the kitchen, Mario threw open the refrigerator door with a flourish. He pulled out a box that had been sitting there for at least a week. Inside were three slices of "everything" pizza, now cold and slightly congealed.

"Dig in, ladies! It’s on the house!" Mario announced.

Uzi approached the box cautiously. She picked up a slice, sniffing it with her optical sensors. "It’s... organic matter. Carbon-based. Highly inefficient." She took a bite.

Her visor immediately began to glitch. A series of "!" icons flashed across her eyes, and her fans kicked into high gear. "Oh my God. The flavor profile... it’s... it’s chaotic. It’s like a system crash in my mouth. I LOVE IT."

V snatched a slice and shoved the whole thing into her mouth, cardboard and all. "Mmm. Crunchy."

J took a more refined approach, using a small blade from her fingertip to cut a piece. She tasted it, her expression remaining stoic, though her tail wagged rhythmically behind her, hitting the kitchen cabinets with a series of loud *clangs*.

"It is... acceptable," J said, her voice trembling slightly with suppressed delight. "We shall require a steady supply of this 'pizza' if we are to remain in this sector."

"Wait, 'remain'?" SMG4 pushed his way to the front. "You guys can't stay here! Look at you! You’re... you’re Murder Drones! You’re literally built for genocide! This is a PG-13 castle! Mostly!"

Uzi turned her head one hundred and eighty degrees to look at him without moving her body. "We go where Mario goes. And right now, Mario is our emotional support human. If you try to send us back to that frozen hellhole, I will personally delete your internet history. Publicly."

SMG4 turned pale. "You wouldn't."

"Try me, meme-lord," Uzi hissed.

Mario, meanwhile, was busy trying to show V how to use the microwave. "And then you put the fork in here to make the pretty sparks!"

"MARIO, NO!" Tari and Meggy screamed in unison, lunging forward to stop him before he turned the kitchen into a crater.

After a chaotic hour of preventing the drones from eating the appliances or murdering the cast, things settled into an uneasy truce. Mario had managed to convince the drones to sit at the kitchen table while he "prepared" more snacks (which mostly involved him dumping a bag of Cheetos into a bowl and calling it gourmet).

"So," Meggy said, sitting across from the trio, her arms crossed. "What’s the deal? Why are you so... attached to him? He’s just Mario. He’s an idiot who eats glue."

J leaned forward, her elbows on the table. "In our world, everything is cold. Everything is calculated. We are built to destroy, and the Worker Drones are built to suffer. Then this... this *anomaly* arrives. He falls onto a pile of corpses and his first instinct isn't fear. It’s to use a limb as a back-scratcher."

V giggled, leaning her head on Mario’s shoulder. "He’s so stupid it wraps all the way back around to being genius. He’s like a giant, warm stress ball that says 'okey-dokey'."

Uzi looked away, a purple blush returning to her visor. "He didn't look at me like I was a monster. Or a tool. He just asked if I had snacks. Do you have any idea how rare that is? To be treated like... like a person? Even if it’s by a guy who thinks his hat is his best friend?"

"Hey! My hat *is* my best friend!" Mario defended, patting Cappy, who was currently hiding under the table.

The SMG4 crew exchanged looks. They had seen Mario win over a lot of people—mostly by accident—but this was a new level of "Mario Magic." He had somehow domesticated three killing machines from a post-apocalyptic nightmare just by being himself.

"Fine," SMG4 sighed, throwing his hands up. "They can stay. But! They have to follow the castle rules. Rule number one: No murdering the staff. Rule number two: No eating the plumbing. Rule number three: If you break something, you help me film a video to pay for it."

"Deal," Uzi said, sticking her tongue out.

"I want to be in a video!" V cheered, her hands turning into chainsaws. "Can I be the one who cuts the 'Subscribe' button into someone’s chest?"

"We’ll... work on the script," SMG4 muttered, backing away.

As the sun began to set over the Mushroom Kingdom, casting a warm orange glow through the kitchen windows, the drones looked out at the horizon in awe. They had never seen a sunset that wasn't obscured by nuclear winter and clouds of ash.

"It’s... beautiful," Uzi whispered, her visor reflecting the light.

"It’s-a okay," Mario said, standing up and stretching. "But you know what’s better? Bedtime! Mario needs to dream about giant raviolis."

He started walking toward his room, and like a well-oiled machine, the three drones rose in unison to follow him.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Meggy shouted. "Where do you think you’re going?"

"To the sleeping quarters," J said matter-of-factly. "We must ensure the asset remains guarded throughout the night cycle."

"In his room?!" Meggy’s eyes widened. "All three of you?!"

"He has a big bed," V said with a mischievous wink. "And I’m very good at cuddling. I have a 'snuggle' setting. It’s right next to 'eviscerate'."

Uzi pushed past Meggy, her face glowing. "It’s for security purposes! Don't make it weird, you weirdo!"

Mario opened his bedroom door, completely oblivious to the blushing drones and the horrified looks of his friends. "Goodnight, everybody! Don't let the Bed-Bobs bite!"

The door slammed shut, leaving the SMG4 crew standing in the hallway. A moment later, they heard the sound of Mario’s heavy snoring, followed by the metallic clanks of three drones fighting over who got to sleep on the left side of the bed.

"I’m the highest-ranking officer! I get the proximity to the primary heat source!" J’s voice muffled through the wood.

"Bite me, J! I’m smaller, I fit better under his arm!" Uzi yelled.

"I’m already using his stomach as a pillow! It’s like a waterbed!" V chirped.

SMG4 looked at the others, his expression blank. "So... should we call a priest, or a mechanic?"

"Maybe both," Saiko said, turning to walk away. "But hey, at least Mario’s finally found someone who can keep up with his body count. Even if it’s a different kind of body count."

In the room, Mario was fast asleep, sandwiched between two Disassembly Drones and a very flustered Worker Drone. For the first time in a long time, the drones felt a strange sensation in their processors—a sense of peace.

And for Mario? He was dreaming of a world where the clouds were made of mozzarella and the rain was marinara sauce. It was a good night.

Outside, the stars twinkled over the castle, and for once, the Mushroom Kingdom was quiet. The robots had arrived, and while the world wasn't quite ready for them, Mario certainly was. After all, if you can't beat 'em, feed 'em pizza and let 'em nap.

That was the Mario way.