The twist of the mind
The Locker Room Gambit
The morning at Tomobiki High School began with an air of profound, masculine dread. Shūtarō Mendō adjusted his collar for the tenth time, his eyes darting toward the classroom door with the frantic energy of a cornered rabbit. Ever since the "Locker Incident," the social hierarchy of Class 2-4 had been demolished and rebuilt into something unrecognizable.
"Shū-chan! Good morning, my radiant sun! My golden heir! My favorite target of affection!"
The door didn't just open; it flew off its hinges as Ataru Moroboshi practically glided into the room. He wasn't slouching. He wasn't picking his nose. He was wearing his school uniform with a crispness that suggested he had actually used an iron, and his hair was slicked back with enough pomade to reflect the classroom lights.
"Stay back, Moroboshi!" Mendō shouted, drawing his katana in a reflexive blur of steel. "I warned you! One step closer and I’ll turn you into a human shish kebab!"
Ataru didn't flinch. Instead, he leaned against the doorframe, crossing his ankles and fluttering his eyelashes at the gleaming blade. "Oh, Shū-chan, you and your toys. You know, the way the sunlight glints off that Murasame really emphasizes the intensity in your eyes. It’s intoxicating. Why don't you put that away and let me show you the new lip balm I bought? It’s cherry-flavored. Very inviting."
Mendō’s face went through a spectrum of colors before settling on a vibrant, aristocratic violet. "Lip balm? Inviting? Have you no shame, man? You are a Moroboshi! I am a Mendō! There is a chasm of class, wealth, and basic human decency between us!"
"Chasms were meant to be bridged," Ataru purred, closing the distance in a sudden, predatory stride. He leaned in, his face inches from Mendō’s, ignoring the tip of the sword pressed against his chest. "Come on, Shū-chan. Just one little peck on the cheek? To seal our rivalry? It’s very European."
"It’s very insane!" Mendō shrieked, scrambling backward and tripping over Megane’s desk.
Megane, who had been watching the scene with a mixture of horror and academic fascination, adjusted his glasses. "Lum-san, please! Do something! He’s harassing the elite! He’s destabilizing the very foundation of Tomobiki’s social order!"
Lum, hovering near the ceiling, was currently weeping into a handkerchief that was rapidly becoming soaked with electrical discharge. "I can't, Megane-chan! Every time I shock him, he just sighs and asks if he can share the 'spark' with Mendō! My Darling is broken! He’s completely boy-crazy!"
"I’m not crazy, Lum! I’ve just seen the light, and that light is reflected in Shū-chan’s perfect teeth!" Ataru called out, blowing a kiss to a fainted Mendō before turning his attention to the rest of the boys. "And you four! Don't think I haven't noticed your potential! Perm, those curls are wasted on a girl-chaser! You should be modeling for a men’s hair magazine!"
The Stormtroopers let out a collective wail of terror and huddled together in the corner, shielding their faces.
***
The true test of Mendō’s sanity, however, came during the afternoon physical education period. The boys of Class 2-4 were finishing their laps around the track, and the communal shower room was a cacophony of steam, splashing water, and the usual boisterous shouting.
Mendō stood at his locker, carefully folding his gym shorts. He was moving with extreme caution, his eyes constantly scanning the room for a brown-haired menace. He had waited until most of the other boys were finished, hoping for a moment of privacy.
"It’s safe," Mendō whispered to himself, exhaling a breath he felt he’d been holding since breakfast. "He’s probably cornered the swim coach in the equipment shed. I can shower in peace."
He stripped down to his towel, feeling the cool air of the locker room against his skin. He reached for the shower handle, but before his fingers could touch the metal, a hand reached out from the neighboring stall and turned it for him.
"Perfect temperature, Shū-chan. Just the way you like it."
Mendō froze. He slowly turned his head. Ataru was standing in the next stall, completely unabashed, leaning against the tile wall. He wasn't wearing a towel. He wasn't even pretending to wash. He was simply staring, his eyes fixed on Mendō’s waist with a look of clinical, lecherous appreciation.
"MOROBOSHI!" Mendō screamed, clutching his towel as if it were a holy relic. "What are you doing? This is the men’s room! This is supposed to be a place of brotherhood and hygiene!"
"And what’s more brotherly than checking on a friend’s form?" Ataru asked, his gaze dropping lower. "I must say, Shū-chan, the Mendō family genetics are truly impressive. Even your... well, let’s just say the 'heir' to the fortune is looking very robust today."
"Don't look there! Close your eyes! I’ll have your retinas removed!" Mendō scrambled to cover himself, his face burning with a heat that rivaled the steam in the room.
"Oh, don't be so modest," Ataru chuckled, stepping closer. The water from the showerhead splashed against his chest, making his skin glisten. "We’re all men here. Though, some of us are clearly more 'man' than others. Why don't you drop the towel? I’ll help you scrub your back. I brought a loofah. It’s exfoliates the soul, Shū-chan."
"I don't want my soul exfoliated by you!" Mendō roared, backing away until he hit the back of the shower stall. "This is a violation! This is a scandal! If the Mendō Zaibatsu finds out I was... I was ogled in the showers by a commoner, the stock market will collapse!"
"Let it collapse," Ataru whispered, his voice echoing in the tiled space. He reached out, his fingers grazing the edge of Mendō’s towel. "Who needs money when you have this kind of physical chemistry? Just one look, Shū-chan. A little peek at the family jewels? I promise I won't tell the girls."
"GET AWAY FROM ME!"
Mendō lunged for the exit, slipping on a stray bar of soap and performing a spectacular, mid-air pirouette before crashing through the plastic curtains. He didn't stop to dry off. He didn't stop to dress. He sprinted out of the locker room in his towel, screaming for his private security detail.
Ataru stood in the steam, a dreamy smile on his face as he watched the exit. "So athletic. Such a magnificent stride. He really is the total package."
***
By the end of the school day, the Tomobiki male population was in a state of total siege. The Black Glasses Squad had been mobilized to form a human perimeter around Mendō at all times. Megane and the Stormtroopers had taken to wearing bulky, oversized coats to hide their silhouettes, and Onsen-Mark had locked himself in the teachers' lounge, refusing to come out until Ataru was "re-calibrated."
Lum sat on the school gates, her chin in her hands, watching Ataru follow a terrified delivery man down the street, offering to help him carry his heavy boxes in exchange for a "meaningful look."
"It’s no use, Ten-chan," Lum sighed. "I’ve tried everything. I even dressed up as a boy! I put on a fake mustache and a baseball cap, and he just told me I had 'delicate features for a shortstop' and asked if I knew where Mendō lived!"
Ten hovered nearby, poking at a beetle with a stick. "Maybe you should just let him be. I mean, at least he’s not bothering you, right? No more chasing Shinobu or hitting on Sakura-san."
"But he’s not bothering *me* either!" Lum wailed. "He looks right through me! It’s like I’m a piece of furniture! A very pretty, tiger-striped sofa!"
Suddenly, a familiar red helicopter descended from the sky, hovering over the school courtyard. A ladder dropped down, and Mendō, now fully dressed in a fresh uniform, began to climb up with desperate speed.
"Farewell, Tomobiki!" Mendō shouted over the roar of the rotors. "I am retreating to my private island! I shall not return until Moroboshi has been exorcised or lobotomized!"
"Wait! Shū-chan! Don't go!"
Ataru appeared at the base of the ladder, leaping into the air and grabbing the bottom rung. He began to climb up after Mendō, his eyes fixed on the retreating soles of Mendō’s expensive leather shoes.
"I can't let you go alone!" Ataru yelled. "It’ll be dark on that island! It’ll be cramped in the helicopter! You’ll be scared! You need me!"
"I need you to fall into the ocean!" Mendō screamed, kicking down at Ataru’s hands.
"Such spirit! Such fire!" Ataru cheered, dodging a kick and blowing a kiss toward the cockpit. "Pilot! Take us to the moon! Or at least to a nice hotel with a spa!"
The helicopter began to rise, dragging Ataru along with it. Lum let out a frustrated shriek and took to the air, her hands glowing with a dangerous, unstable energy.
"THAT’S ENOUGH!"
She intercepted the helicopter mid-air, her hair whipping around her face like a cyan storm. She didn't aim for the pilot. She didn't aim for Mendō. She dove straight for Ataru, grabbing him by the waist and yanking him off the ladder.
"Darling! You are coming home right now! I don't care if you like boys, girls, or octopuses—you are my husband and you are going to sit on the couch and look at me until your eyes fall out!"
"But Lum! The view from the ladder was just getting interesting!" Ataru protested, reaching out toward the disappearing helicopter. "Mendō! I’ll write to you! I’ll send you my measurements!"
Lum ignored him, her horns crackling with a high-pitched whine. She gathered every ounce of her Oni energy, focusing it into a single, concentrated point between her palms. She wasn't just going to shock him; she was going to perform a factory reset.
"Forgive me, Darling," she whispered, her eyes filling with tears. "But I miss the old, perverted you!"
She slammed her hands into Ataru’s chest. The resulting explosion was visible from three neighboring prefectures. A pillar of white-hot lightning shot into the sky, momentarily turning the afternoon into a blinding, artificial noon. The helicopter was tossed aside like a toy, and the school windows rattled in their frames.
As the light faded, Lum and Ataru tumbled toward the earth, landing with a soft *thud* in the sandbox of the elementary school next door.
Silence fell over Tomobiki.
Lum sat up, rubbing her head. She looked at Ataru, who was lying flat on his back, his eyes closed, smoke curling from his ears. She held her breath, her heart pounding against her ribs.
"Darling?" she whispered. "Are you... are you okay?"
Ataru’s eyes fluttered open. He looked up at the sky, then slowly turned his head toward Lum. He looked at her golden-brown eyes, her cyan hair, and the way her bikini top was slightly displaced from the fall.
A slow, familiar, and utterly wretched smirk began to spread across his face.
"Hey, baby," Ataru rasped, his voice a low, lecherous croak. "Did it hurt?"
Lum froze. "Did what hurt, Darling?"
"When you fell from heaven?" Ataru winked, his hand already reaching out to pat her thigh. "Because I’ve got a first-aid kit at home, and I’m very good at... physical therapy."
Lum let out a sob of pure, unadulterated joy. She threw her arms around him, squeezing him so hard his ribs began to crack. "Darling! You’re back! You’re your horrible, skirt-chasing self again! Oh, I’ve never been so happy to be harassed!"
"Yeah, yeah, great," Ataru grunted, his eyes already wandering toward a group of mothers standing near the school gate. "Hey, Lum, who’s the lady in the blue dress? She’s got a very sophisticated vibe. I think she needs my phone number."
*ZAP!*
"DARLING! YOU JUST GOT BACK!" Lum shrieked, sending a fresh hundred volts through his spine.
"Ow! See? This is what I missed!" Ataru cheered, even as his hair began to smoke again. "The violence! The rejection! The beautiful, beautiful women!"
From the safety of his helicopter, now miles away, Shūtarō Mendō watched the lightning strike through a pair of binoculars. He saw Ataru chasing a group of terrified women through the park, and he let out a long, shuddering sigh of relief.
"He’s back to the girls," Mendō whispered, wiping a tear of gratitude from his eye. "The Mendō name is safe. The world is once again a place where I am the hunter, and Moroboshi is merely the nuisance."
He leaned back in his leather seat, closing his eyes. But as the helicopter hummed toward his private estate, a small, terrifying thought flickered in the back of his mind. He remembered the warmth of the locker. He remembered the smell of the cheap ramen. And he remembered the way Ataru had looked at him in the shower.
Mendō shuddered, clutching his katana to his chest. "It was the electricity," he told himself. "Only the electricity."
But deep down, in the darkest, most cramped corners of his heart, he knew that Tomobiki would never be quite the same again. The magnetic poles had shifted, and even if they had snapped back, the compass would always tremble just a little bit whenever Ataru Moroboshi walked into the room.
"Pilot," Mendō said, his voice firm. "Take us home. And buy me a new lock for the gym warehouse. A very, very large one."
Back in the park, Ataru was currently being flattened by a falling slide, courtesy of a very angry Shinobu, while Lum cheered from the sidelines. The sun set over Tomobiki, casting long shadows over a town that had survived the strangest romance in its history. Ataru Moroboshi was back to his old ways, and for everyone involved—especially the men—that was the greatest luck of all.