The twist of the mind
The Quantum Polarity of a Pervert's Reputation
The silence that followed the explosion was thick with the scent of ozone and the looming threat of a cosmic lawsuit. Ten, clutching his scorched diaper, hovered over the two figures with a look of absolute, soul-crushing dread. He recognized that gadget. It was a prototype "Quantum Polarity Stabilizer" he’d swiped from his mother’s collection of confiscated contraband. It was highly illegal, mostly because it tended to treat physical identities like a deck of shuffled cards.
"Oh, no," Ten whimpered, his voice trembling. "If the Galactic Patrol finds out I used this, they’ll lock me in a playpen for a century!"
Ataru, currently inhabiting the voluptuous, tiger-striped body of an Oni princess, stood up and dusted off his—or rather, Lum’s—bikini. He looked down, his eyes widening to the size of dinner plates as he took in the view from five feet five inches of pure alien perfection. He squeezed his own arms, marveling at the soft, glowing skin.
"Wait a minute," Ataru said, his voice a melodic, bell-like chime. "I have... I have... I’m a girl! I’m a gorgeous, flying, lightning-shooting girl!"
"Darling, stop touching yourself like that! It’s embarrassing!"
The boy in the tattered school uniform stood up, his face flushed with a mixture of rage and humiliation. Lum, trapped inside Ataru’s lanky, slightly tan frame, looked like she wanted to crawl into a hole and die. She adjusted the collar of the uniform, her movements graceful and feminine despite the awkward limbs she now occupied.
"Ten-chan! Fix this right now!" Lum-as-Ataru commanded, pointing a finger that lacked its usual spark.
Ten frantically poked at the smoking device on the ground. "I can't! The internal capacitor is fried! It’ll take at least a few days to recalibrate the soul-sync! And we can't tell anyone! If the authorities hear about a body-swap involving an illegal stabilizer, I’m toast, and you’ll both be deported to a vacuum-sealed laboratory!"
Ataru-as-Lum let out a laugh that sounded like silver bells. He did a little spin, feeling the weight of the long, cyan hair trailing behind him. "A few days? You mean I get to be the most beautiful girl in Tomobiki for a whole weekend? Ten, take your time. No rush at all!"
"Darling, listen to me," Lum-as-Ataru hissed, grabbing Ataru by the shoulders. "We have to keep this a secret. If my parents find out, they’ll blow up the planet. If your parents find out, they’ll probably just be happy they finally have a daughter. You have to act like me, and I have to act like you."
Ataru-as-Lum smirked. "And why should I? My reputation is already lower than a snake’s belly. If I act like a refined lady, people will just think I’ve had a stroke. But if I stay like this..." He flexed a bicep, admiring the tone. "I can finally see what the girls' locker room looks like from the inside without getting a desk thrown at my head!"
Lum-as-Ataru’s face darkened. "If you do anything to ruin my reputation, I will find a way to shock you even in that body! Ten-chan, tell him!"
"He’s right, Ataru," Ten sighed. "If you cooperate and act like a proper Oni princess, I’ll... I’ll sneak you that new 'Ultra Hot Babes of the Galaxy' magazine. The one with the holographic centerfold."
Ataru-as-Lum’s eyes lit up. "The one with the Neptunian swimsuit models? Deal! I’ll be the sweetest, most faithful wife you’ve ever seen. I’ll 'Darling' you until your ears bleed."
"Good," Lum-as-Ataru muttered, trying to ignore how strange it felt to speak with Ataru’s raspy voice. "Now, give me your bag. I have to go to class and pretend to be a lecherous idiot. How hard can it be?"
***
The afternoon at Tomobiki High was a masterclass in psychological warfare.
Lum, inhabiting Ataru’s body, found that being a "lecherous idiot" was significantly more difficult than it looked. She spent the first hour of history class trying to wink at Shinobu, but it looked more like she had a painful eye twitch.
"Ataru, stop making that face," Shinobu snapped, not even looking up from her notes. "If you’re trying to look cool, you’re failing. If you’re trying to look perverted, you’re also failing. You just look like you need a nap."
"Oh, Shinobu-san," Lum-as-Ataru said, trying to mimic Ataru’s sleazy tone but failing miserably. "You’re so... robust today. Truly, your desk-throwing arm is a work of art."
Shinobu paused, her brow furrowing. "Robust? Ataru, are you feeling okay? You haven't tried to grope anyone all morning. Usually, by second period, I’ve had to hit you at least three times."
Across the room, Ataru-as-Lum was having the time of his life. He sat at Lum’s desk, daintily tucking a strand of cyan hair behind his ear. He found that the boys in the class were practically falling over themselves to offer him pens, snacks, and even their jackets.
"Lum-san, you look particularly radiant today," Megane sighed, kneeling by the desk. "There is a new... serenity about you. A certain grace that suggests you have finally realized the futility of your devotion to that moron Moroboshi."
Ataru-as-Lum gave Megane a dazzling, toothy grin. "Oh, Megane-kun! You’re so sweet. Tell me, do you think this bikini makes my hips look wide? I’ve been feeling a bit bloated."
Megane’s glasses cracked. "Hips? Wide? Lum-san, you are a goddess! You are the celestial North Star! Your hips are the golden ratio made flesh!"
Ataru-as-Lum giggled, a sound that made every boy in the room shiver. "You’re too much! Say, why don't you go buy me a strawberry crepe? I’m feeling quite peckish."
As Megane sprinted out of the room like a man possessed, Ataru-as-Lum leaned back, basking in the attention. This was the life. No one was hitting him. No one was calling him a creep. He was the queen of the school, and all he had to do was act slightly feminine and ask for favors.
However, the real trouble began during the afternoon break. Shūtarō Mendō was standing by the fountain, surrounded by his usual flock of admirers, when he noticed Ataru Moroboshi—or rather, Lum in Ataru’s body—walking toward him with a look of intense, focused determination.
Lum had decided that if she was going to be Ataru, she was going to do something Ataru would never do: she was going to save his dignity by making him look like a reformed gentleman. But as she approached Mendō, she realized she had a much better idea. If she could make Mendō believe that Ataru was actually a sensitive, misunderstood soul, maybe the rivalry would end.
"Mendō-san," Lum-as-Ataru said, stopping in front of the wealthy heir.
Mendō adjusted his collar, looking down his nose at the "lower-class nobody." "What is it, Moroboshi? Come to beg for a loan? Or perhaps you’ve finally decided to move to another planet and leave Lum-san in peace?"
Lum-as-Ataru took a deep breath. She reached out and placed a hand on Mendō’s arm, her eyes softening. "Shūtarō... can I call you Shūtarō? I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About us. About the way we fight."
Mendō froze. The girls surrounding him went silent. "Moroboshi? What are you doing? Release my sleeve at once!"
"I can't," Lum-as-Ataru whispered, her voice trembling with faked emotion. "The truth is... the reason I chase all those girls... the reason I act so foolish... it’s all a front. A mask to hide the way I truly feel when I look at you."
Mendō’s jaw dropped. "The way you... what?"
"Your leadership," Lum-as-Ataru continued, leaning in. "Your wealth. The way your hair catches the light when you’re screaming about octopuses. It intimidates me, Shūtarō. I act out because I don't know how to tell you that I... I admire you. More than any girl in this school."
Mendō’s face turned a shade of red that suggested his internal cooling system had just suffered a catastrophic failure. "Moroboshi... are you... are you confessing? To me? In front of the fountain?"
"I had to," Lum-as-Ataru said, wiping a fake tear from her eye. "Life is too short for secrets. I love your spirit, Shūtarō. I love the man you are when you aren't trying to slice me in half."
Mendō let out a sound like a boiling teakettle. He looked at Ataru’s face—the face he had spent months wanting to punch—and saw a look of such sincere, heartbreaking vulnerability that his aristocratic heart skipped a beat.
"I... I see," Mendō stammered, his hand instinctively going to his chest. "I had no idea. I thought you were just a baseborn lecher. But to think... that such a deep, complex admiration was brewing beneath that slovenly exterior..."
"It’s true," Lum-as-Ataru sighed, giving his arm a gentle squeeze before walking away. "Think on it, Shūtarō. Think on the heart of the man you call your enemy."
***
Ataru, watching the scene from the second-story window in Lum’s body, nearly fell out of his skin.
"What is she doing?!" Ataru-as-Lum shrieked, his voice hitting a glass-shattering high note. "She’s ruining me! She’s making me look like a... a poet! I have a reputation to uphold!"
He scrambled down the stairs, his long hair flying behind him, and cornered Lum-as-Ataru behind the gym.
"What was that?!" Ataru-as-Lum hissed, grabbing Lum by the front of the school uniform. "You told Mendō I love him? Are you trying to get me killed? Or worse, invited to his house for tea?!"
Lum-as-Ataru smirked, crossing her arms. "I’m saving your dignity, Darling. Everyone thinks you’re a monster. Now they just think you’re a sensitive soul who was hiding his feelings behind a mask of perversion. It’s very romantic."
"It’s not romantic! It’s a death sentence!" Ataru-as-Lum wailed. "Mendō is a Mendō! He doesn't do 'sensitive'! He does 'private armies' and 'restraining orders'!"
"Actually," a voice boomed from around the corner.
Both of them jumped. Shūtarō Mendō stepped into view, his face set in a look of grim, noble resolution. He looked at Ataru—the real Lum—and then at Lum—the real Ataru.
"Moroboshi," Mendō said, his voice unusually soft.
Lum-as-Ataru stood tall, trying to look masculine. "Yes, Mendō-san?"
Mendō walked forward and placed a hand on Lum-as-Ataru’s shoulder. "I have considered your words. And while I cannot... reciprocate such feelings in the way you might hope, I am deeply moved. To think that my presence inspired such a profound change in you... it is a testament to the Mendō bloodline."
Ataru-as-Lum groaned loudly. "Oh, brother."
"Therefore," Mendō continued, "I have decided to accept your friendship. No more swords. No more traps. From this day forward, we shall walk the halls of Tomobiki as brothers-in-arms. I shall mentor you, Moroboshi. I shall teach you the ways of the gentleman, so that you may one day be worthy of the admiration you feel for me."
Lum-as-Ataru beamed. "Oh, Shūtarō! You’re so kind!"
"Stop it!" Ataru-as-Lum yelled, stepping between them. "Mendō, don't listen to him! He’s... he’s possessed! He’s had a head injury! He doesn't love you, he loves... he loves... large-breasted women and free lunch!"
Mendō looked at the girl he believed to be Lum with a look of disappointment. "Lum-san, please. Do not be jealous. I know it must be hard to realize that Moroboshi’s heart was elsewhere, but we must be mature. Moroboshi has shown great courage today. More courage than you, who are currently acting quite hysterical."
Ataru-as-Lum’s jaw dropped. "Hysterical? Me? I’ll show you hysterical!"
He raised a hand, intending to slap the smug look off Mendō’s face, but instead of a slap, a massive, jagged bolt of blue lightning erupted from his fingertips.
The blast hit Mendō squarely in the chest, sending him flying across the courtyard and into the trophy case in the main lobby.
"DARLING! NO!" Lum-as-Ataru screamed.
Ataru-as-Lum stared at his smoking hand, a look of pure, unadulterated power crossing his face. "Whoa... I did that? I really did that? I’m a walking power plant!"
He looked at Lum, who was currently cowering in his own body, and then at the unconscious Mendō. A slow, wicked grin spread across Ataru-as-Lum’s face.
"You know what, Ten? Don't worry about the magazine," Ataru-as-Lum said, his voice dripping with newfound confidence. "I think I like being Lum. I get free food, everyone is nice to me, and if someone annoys me, I can just turn them into a charcoal briquette. Why would I ever want to go back to being a loser who gets hit by desks?"
"Darling, you can't be serious!" Lum-as-Ataru cried. "You have to switch back! What about our marriage? What about our future?"
"Our future looks great from here!" Ataru-as-Lum laughed, beginning to float off the ground. "I’m going to go see if the girls' track team needs a new mascot. Or maybe I’ll go find Rei and see if I can out-eat him now that I have an alien metabolism! See ya, Moroboshi!"
Ataru-as-Lum rocketed into the sky, his cyan hair trailing behind him like a comet’s tail.
Lum-as-Ataru stood in the courtyard, clutching Ataru’s school bag, looking up at the sky in total despair. "Ten-chan... tell me you found the solution."
Ten crawled out from under a bush, holding a charred piece of wire. "The good news is, I know how to fix it. The bad news is, I need a rare mineral that only grows on the dark side of Saturn. And it’s currently out of season."
Lum-as-Ataru let out a long, raspy groan, leaning her head against the brick wall. "I’m trapped in the body of a pervert, my husband is a lightning-shooting prom queen, and Mendō thinks I’m in love with him. This is the worst Friday ever."
"On the bright side," Ten said, trying to be helpful. "You’re actually doing a really good job at the 'sensitive soul' thing. I think the school nurse is actually considering giving you a passing grade in health class for the first time in history."
"Shut up, Ten-chan," Lum-as-Ataru muttered.
As the sun set over Tomobiki, the town prepared for a weekend of absolute, quantum-flavored chaos. Ataru Moroboshi was finally the girl of his dreams, and Lum was the man of her nightmares. And somewhere in the ruins of the trophy case, Shūtarō Mendō was dreaming of a world where his greatest rival finally understood the majesty of the Mendō family crest.
The switch was in, the secret was out, and the only thing certain was that Monday morning was going to be an absolute disaster.