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Joyride to hell

The Shocking Geometry of Hell

The lobby of the Hazbin Hotel had seen many things—exterminations, musical numbers, and the occasional cannibalistic outburst—but it had never seen anything quite like Lum Invader. The Oni princess remained hovered over Ataru’s smoking body, her tiger-striped bikini top straining as she sobbed with the force of a tropical storm. Blue sparks danced across her skin, leaping onto the velvet upholstery of the nearby lounge chairs and causing the hotel’s sentient portraits to shriek in pain.

Charlie Morningstar took a tentative step forward, her hands raised in a gesture of peace that was currently being ignored by everyone involved. "Um, excuse me? Miss? I’m so happy to see a... friend? But we have a very strict 'no unauthorized lightning' policy in the lobby. It’s a fire hazard, and we just got the rugs cleaned!"

Lum looked up, her large, iridescent green eyes brimming with tears. She saw Charlie—a tall, beautiful blonde in a sharp suit— and her expression shifted from grief to a mask of pure, unadulterated jealousy. "Who are you?! Are you one of the girls my Darling was chasing? I knew it! I felt his lecherous thoughts echoing all the way back to Tomobiki!"

"Darling?" Vaggie echoed, her hand tightening around her angelic spear. "You mean the skinny pervert currently smelling like overcooked bacon? You’re actually *claiming* him?"

"He’s my husband!" Lum shouted, her horns glowing a dangerous shade of neon yellow.

"I am not!" Ataru croaked from the floor, a single finger twitching upward. "I never signed anything! It was a game of tag! A technicality at best!"

*ZAP!*

Another bolt of electricity surged through Ataru, silencing him. He slumped back into the carpet, a small puff of smoke escaping his mouth.

Mendō, who had been trying to maintain some semblance of dignity by standing near a marble pillar, finally snapped. "Lum-san! Please, control yourself! We are in the presence of the King of Hell! Though," he added, his eyes drifting toward Lum’s scantily clad form with a familiar, hungry glint, "your arrival is a radiant beacon in this dark abyss. Perhaps you could leave this loser to his fate and allow me to escort you home?"

"Shut up, Mendō!" Lum snapped, though she didn't shock him. She was too busy scanning the room, her eyes landing on Alastor, who was watching the proceedings with the delighted curiosity of a man watching a high-speed train wreck.

"My, my! What a fascinating biological anomaly!" Alastor’s voice crackled with the sound of a 1930s jazz broadcast. He stepped toward Lum, his shadow stretching across the floor and taking on a life of its own. "An extraterrestrial in the Pride Ring? The paperwork alone will be a nightmare for the bureaucrats in the seventh circle! Tell me, my dear, do all of your kind possess such a... high-voltage personality?"

Lum hissed at him, her fangs baring. "Stay back, you creepy stick-man! I don't care where we are! I'm taking Darling home, and if anyone tries to stop me, I'll turn this whole hotel into a giant toaster!"

Lucifer Morningstar, who had been watching the scene with a look of profound weariness, stepped between Alastor and the girl. He adjusted his top hat, the snake around the brim hissing softly. "Okay, look. I’m the King of Hell. I deal with fallen angels, ancient sins, and the occasional existential crisis. But I draw the line at flying, bikini-clad aliens causing property damage. Young lady, how did you even get here? The portal these two idiots fell through was a localized temporal anomaly."

Lum wiped her eyes and pulled a small, high-tech tracking device from her bikini bottom. "I followed his scent! Darling’s perversion is so strong it leaves a trail across the Fourth Dimension! I just punched a hole in the sky and followed the smell of desperation and cheap cologne!"

"That... is actually impressively horrifying," Vaggie muttered.

Angel Dust, who had been watching from the balcony above, leaned over the railing, a cigarette dangling from his lips. "Hey, Vags, can we keep her? She’s got style. And she’s already better at hurting the kid than you are."

"She’s not a pet, Angel!" Charlie cried, turning back to the group. "She’s a guest! Or... a spouse of a guest? Regardless, everyone just calm down! We can fix this! We’ll have a nice sit-down, some tea, and we’ll figure out how to get you all back to Tomobiki."

"I don't want tea!" Ataru suddenly sat up, his regenerative powers finally kicking in. His skin was no longer charred, and his eyes were already darting toward the bar. "I want to know if that cat-man serves anything with a high alcohol content, and if there are any maid cafes in this neighborhood! If I'm going to be in Hell, I'm going to do it right!"

Husk didn't even look up from the glass he was polishing. "The bar is closed to minors, kid. And even if it wasn't, you couldn't afford the tab. We take souls, not yen."

"I have a soul!" Ataru declared, puffing out his chest. "It’s slightly used, but very resilient!"

"It’s not worth a nickel, kid," Husk grunted. "I’ve seen better souls in a dumpster behind a seafood restaurant."

While the main group argued, Niffty had managed to bypass everyone and was now clinging to Mendō’s leg. She was sniffing his trousers with alarming intensity. "So clean... so much money... do you have a bank account? I love a man with diversified assets! Does your sword have any blood on it? I can clean it! I can lick it clean!"

"Get her off me!" Mendō wailed, shaking his leg frantically. "She’s getting cyclops-spit on my bespoke silk blend! This is a nightmare! I want my private army! I want my mother!"

Suddenly, the hotel’s front doors burst open for the third time that hour. This time, it wasn't a portal or a lightning bolt. It was a sleek, black limousine that had somehow driven straight through the garden and up the steps. The door opened, and a pair of long, cedar-brown legs stepped out, followed by a cloud of expensive perfume and the flash of a smartphone camera.

"Ugh, this place is so... mid-century depressing," Velvette sighed, stepping into the lobby while tapping furiously at her phone. "Vox, are you seeing this? The lighting is atrocious. My followers are going to think I’ve been kidnapped by a cult of theater geeks."

Behind her, Vox’s face appeared on a hovering drone, his screen glowing a sharp, electric blue. "Focus, Velvette! We’re here for the humans. The data we could get from a living nervous system subjected to Hell’s atmosphere is—" He stopped, his screen flickering as he saw Lum. "What in the name of the motherboard is that?"

"It’s an Oni!" Ataru shouted, waving his arms. "Take her! Please! I’ll give you her address if you just take me to a place with more women and fewer lightning bolts!"

Lum’s eyes turned into slits. "Darling... what did you just say?"

"I said these nice TV people look like they have a great social scene!" Ataru chirped, oblivious to the impending doom.

Velvette walked up to Lum, hovering a few inches away and looking her up and down with a critical eye. "Tiger stripes? In this economy? Honey, the eighties called, and even they don't want the bikini back. But the hair... that cyan-to-green gradient is actually fire. Who’s your stylist? Is it a demon? An Overlord?"

Lum blinked, her anger momentarily derailed by the fashion critique. "I... I do it myself? It’s natural?"

"Natural? Ugh, gross. But we can work with it," Velvette said, turning her phone and snapping a quick selfie with a confused Lum in the background. "Welcome to the Vees, babe. You’re going to be the new face of 'Interdimensional Chic.' As for the boys..." She glanced at Mendō and Ataru. "The one in the suit is cute in a 'daddy’s money' kind of way. The other one looks like something I’d find under a damp rock."

"Hey!" Ataru protested.

"Enough!" Vaggie stepped forward, her spear leveled at Velvette’s throat. "The Vees aren't welcome here. You know the rules. Charlie’s guests are off-limits."

"Oh, please, Vaggie," Velvette rolled her eyes. "We’re not 'recruiting.' We’re 'collaborating.' Hell is a big place, and these mortals are going to get bored of your 'redemption' crap in about five minutes. Why stay in a dusty hotel when they could be stars?"

"Stars?" Ataru’s ears perked up. "Will there be fans? Female fans? With autograph books?"

"Millions," Vox’s voice boomed from the drone. "We’ll put you on a 24-hour stream. 'The Mortal in the Pit.' It’ll be the biggest thing since the last Extermination."

"Don't listen to them, Ataru!" Charlie cried. "They just want to use you! They’re Overlords! They don't care about your soul, they just want your screen time!"

"She’s right, you idiot!" Mendō hissed, though he looked somewhat tempted by the mention of 'daddy’s money.' "We cannot associate with these... media moguls! We must maintain the dignity of the Mendō name!"

"Dignity doesn't get you a phone number, Mendō!" Ataru shouted, already walking toward Velvette. "So, Miss Fashion-Lady, about those fans..."

Before Ataru could take another step, a shadow loomed over the entire lobby. The temperature dropped forty degrees, and the air filled with the sound of a thousand distorted radio stations playing at once. Alastor was no longer leaning on the bar. He was standing in the center of the room, his form growing taller, his antlers branching out like jagged obsidian trees. His eyes had turned into glowing radio dials, and his grin was wide enough to show every single one of his serrated teeth.

"I do believe," Alastor purred, his voice vibrating in the very marrow of their bones, "that the lady said the guests were *taken*. It would be such a shame to have to dismantle a perfectly good limousine just to remind you of your manners."

Velvette didn't flinch, but she did take a half-step back. "Ugh, the Radio Demon is doing his 'scary' bit again. How original. Come on, Vox, this place smells like mothballs and failure anyway."

"This isn't over, Alastor!" Vox snarled through the drone. "The mortals belong to the city, not your little clubhouse!"

With a flash of sparks, the drone exploded, and Velvette vanished back into her limo, which screeched away in a cloud of sulfurous exhaust.

The lobby returned to its normal, slightly-less-terrifying state. Alastor shrunk back down, humming a jaunty tune as he straightened his bowtie. "Well! That was exhilarating! Now, where were we? Ah, yes. The alien girl was about to electrocute the lecherous one."

"I was not!" Lum pouted, though she did have a ball of lightning crackling in her palm just in case. She turned to Charlie. "Listen, Princess-girl. I don't like this place. It’s scary and the people are mean. But if Darling is stuck here, I'm staying too. I’m not letting him out of my sight for a second!"

Charlie beamed, her eyes sparkling. "That’s the spirit! Love transcends dimensions! We can set you up in a double room—"

"Separate rooms!" Ataru and Vaggie shouted at the same time.

"Right, separate rooms," Charlie corrected quickly. "Dad? Can you help us? You’re the King! You must know a way to open a portal back to Tomobiki."

Lucifer sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Charlie, I’m the King of Hell, not a GPS. Opening a stable portal to a specific town in Japan requires a massive amount of energy and a very specific set of coordinates. It could take weeks to calibrate. In the meantime..." He looked at Ataru, who was currently trying to see if Lum’s tracking device had a 'camera' function. "...we’re stuck with them."

"Weeks?" Mendō slumped against his suitcase. "I'll be ruined. My father will have replaced me with a younger, more competent heir by then. I’ll have to start from the bottom! I’ll have to... get a job!"

"Oh, don't be so dramatic, Shūtarō," Lum said, floating over and patting his head. "It’ll be like a vacation! Only with more fire and fewer vending machines."

"I like this place!" Ataru declared, having finally stood up and realized that no one was currently hitting him. "It’s full of dangerous women, magical powers, and a King who hates me. It’s just like school, but with better outfits! Come on, Mendō! Let’s go explore! I saw a sign for a place called 'Loo Loo Land' on the way in!"

"It’s Lu Lu World!" Lucifer snapped. "Loo Loo Land is a shameless rip-off!"

"Whatever!" Ataru was already heading for the door. "Hell, prepare yourself! Ataru Moroboshi is here to hunt!"

"DARLING! WAIT FOR ME!" Lum screamed, flying after him.

Vaggie watched them go, then turned to Charlie. "You realize we’ve just unleashed a plague on the Pride Ring, right? The Vees are the least of our problems now. That kid is going to start a war just by asking for a phone number."

Charlie watched the chaotic trio disappear into the red haze of the street, a small, hopeful smile on her face. "Maybe, Vaggie. But think about it—if we can redeem *Ataru Moroboshi*, we can redeem anyone. He’s the ultimate challenge!"

Alastor chuckled, his cane tapping rhythmically on the floor. "A challenge indeed, my dear! I’ll go fetch the popcorn. I suspect the next few days will be... electrifying."

Down the street, a massive explosion of blue lightning lit up the sky, followed by the faint, distant sound of Ataru’s scream.

"Yup," Husk muttered, pouring a double shot of rye. "Electrifying."