Joyride to hell
The Glutton, the Ghost-Hunter, and the Great Pentacle Buffet
The red neon of the Pride Ring was usually enough to give any newcomer a migraine, but for Sakura, the school nurse of Tomobiki High, it was merely an annoying change in lighting. She stood in the middle of the sidewalk, her tall, elegant frame cutting a striking figure against the backdrop of jagged architecture and wandering sinners. Her long black hair remained perfectly composed, and her expression was one of clinical boredom.
"Uncle Cherry, I told you that taking a shortcut through that abandoned shrine was a mistake," Sakura said, her voice cool and steady. "Now look where we are. The spiritual pressure here is atrocious, and the air smells like a burnt radiator."
Next to her, a very short, very round monk with a face like a distorted stress ball was frantically waving a set of prayer beads. Cherry, the wandering exorcist, looked as though he were on the verge of either a religious epiphany or a heart attack.
"Sakura! Can you not feel it?" Cherry wailed, his voice cracking. "The ill omens! They are everywhere! It is as if all the bad luck in the universe has been concentrated into one city! This is the nest of the Great Spider! The pit of the Eternal Hunger! We must perform a purification rite immediately, or our souls will be served as appetizers!"
Sakura ignored him, her stomach letting out a low, predatory growl. "Purification can wait. I haven't had lunch, and my blood sugar is dropping. If I don't eat soon, I might actually have to exert effort to stay polite. Look over there."
She pointed a slender finger toward a nearby establishment. It was a small, dingy stall with a sign that read 'Cannibal Cooking: All You Can Eat (If You Can Survive).'
"An all-you-can-eat event," Sakura noted, her eyes narrowing with a dark, gluttonous intensity. "Finally, something in this wasteland that makes sense."
"Sakura, no! That sign says 'Cannibal'!" Cherry shrieked, clutching her sleeve. "They are eating people! Or demons! Or people-demons! It is a violation of the natural order!"
"It says 'All You Can Eat,' Uncle," Sakura replied, her pace quickening. "The logistics of the protein source are secondary to the volume of the consumption."
As the pair approached the stall, they were interrupted by a sudden, familiar sound—the sound of a high-pitched, desperate scream and the crackle of high-voltage electricity.
"It’s dark! It’s cramped! It’s a literal hellscape and I want my silk pajamas!"
Mendō Shūtarō came barreling around the corner, his school uniform torn and his hair slightly disheveled. Right behind him was Ataru Moroboshi, who was currently being dragged by his collar by a very frustrated Vaggie. Lum was hovering overhead, occasionally zapping a stray demon who looked too closely at her "Darling."
"Wait, Mendō?" Sakura blinked, her professional mask slipping for a fraction of a second. "And Moroboshi? What are you doing here? Did the school board finally decide to exile the two of you to the afterlife?"
Mendō slid to a halt, his eyes widening. "Sakura-san! Oh, praise the heavens! A vision of purity in this den of iniquity!" He fell to his knees, reaching for the hem of her skirt before thinking better of it when he saw the look in her eyes. "Please, you must help us! We’ve been kidnapped by a hotel-running princess and a radio-voiced monster!"
Ataru, seeing Sakura, suddenly found the strength to break free from Vaggie’s grip. He lunged forward, his face transforming into a mask of pathetic, tearful longing. "Sakura-san! My favorite nurse! My priestess of passion! I knew you’d come for me! Quick, tell these people I'm a virtuous soul who deserves a harem of succubi as a reward for my suffering!"
Sakura stepped back, her heel connecting squarely with Ataru’s chin. "You’re as disgusting as ever, Moroboshi. I see the change in scenery hasn't improved your character."
"Sakura-san is so cold... it’s wonderful..." Ataru muffled into the pavement.
Charlie Morningstar caught up to the group, breathless and glowing with her usual frantic optimism. "Oh! More humans! Vaggie, look! They just keep appearing! It’s like a miracle!"
"It’s a containment breach, Charlie," Vaggie sighed, rubbing her forehead. "Who are these two? And why does the little one look like a sentient potato?"
"I am Cherry! A master of the esoteric arts!" the monk declared, puffing out his chest. "And I detect a great darkness in you, spear-maiden! You have the aura of a fallen warrior seeking a path that does not exist!"
Vaggie froze, her one good eye narrowing. "What did you just say to me, old man?"
"He says a lot of things," Sakura interrupted, her stomach growling again, louder this time. The sound was so deep it actually caused a nearby trash can to rattle. "Now, if we’re quite finished with the introductions, I was promised an all-you-can-eat buffet."
Charlie’s eyes lit up. "Wait! You’re hungry? We have plenty of food at the hotel! Well, Husk usually just has crackers and cheap gin, but Niffty can whip something up! Please, come with us! It’s much safer than eating at a stall called 'Cannibal Cooking'!"
Sakura paused, considering the offer. "Is it truly all-you-can-eat? No limits? No hidden fees? No 'three-plate maximum'?"
"Of course! We’re a non-profit organization dedicated to the soul!" Charlie chirped.
"Very well," Sakura said, her expression becoming terrifyingly focused. "Lead the way. But I warn you, I am on a diet, so I may be slightly more voracious than usual."
***
An hour later, the Hazbin Hotel’s dining room was the site of a disaster that Alastor would later describe as "truly, magnificently horrifying."
Sakura sat at the long wooden table, a mountain of plates already stacked beside her. Niffty was blurring in and out of the kitchen, her tiny arms carrying trays of roast beast, hell-fire pasta, and something that looked like a giant, glowing ham.
"More," Sakura said, her voice calm as she polished off a roasted leg of something with three knees.
"I’m going as fast as I can!" Niffty squealed, her eye spinning in her head. "I love her! She’s like a black hole with bangs! She’s so messy but she eats so clean! Bad girl! Bad, hungry girl!"
Angel Dust sat across from her, his four arms frozen in the act of lighting a cigarette. He watched as Sakura consumed an entire tray of deviled eggs in three seconds. "Uh, hey, Princess? I think your guest is broken. I’ve seen gluttony demons with less commitment than this."
"It’s a medical condition," Sakura said, pausing only to swallow a mouthful of noodles. "I have a very high metabolism due to my spiritual training. Don't worry, I’m on a diet."
"That’s the fifth time she’s said that," Husk muttered from behind the bar, leaning over to check his inventory. "She’s already eaten through three weeks of supplies. At this rate, we’re going to have to start hunting the Egg Boiz for breakfast."
Ataru and Mendō were sitting at the far end of the table, momentarily united by their shared terror.
"She’s going to eat the whole building, Mendō," Ataru whispered. "I’ve seen her do this at the Tomobiki beef bowl shop. The owner had to move to a different prefecture."
"It is a magnificent display of power," Mendō replied, though he was sweating. "But I fear for our safety. If she runs out of food, we are the only things left in the room that are fleshy and relatively well-marbled."
Suddenly, the air in the room shifted. A green mist began to swirl around the table, and the temperature dropped. From the center of the table, a ghostly figure began to rise—a pale, weeping woman with long, translucent hair and eyes that bled black ink.
"I am the Spirit of the Starved..." the ghost wailed, her voice echoing with the sorrow of a thousand empty bellies. "I have come to claim the soul of the one who dares to consume the feast of the damned..."
The hotel staff tensed. Vaggie reached for her spear, and Alastor’s grin widened, his shadow creeping toward the specter.
"A haunting!" Cherry shouted, jumping onto the table and waving a paper charm. "I knew it! The gluttony has summoned a vengeful spirit! Sakura, stand back! I shall perform the Rite of the Seven Thunders!"
Sakura didn't even look up. She reached out with her left hand, grabbed the ghost by its translucent throat, and slammed it face-first into a bowl of mashed potatoes.
"I’m eating," Sakura said, her voice dropping an octave into a tone of pure, murderous intent. "Interrupt me again, and I will exorcise you into a Tupperware container."
The ghost let out a muffled, terrified sob and promptly dissipated into a cloud of harmless vapor.
The room fell silent. Even Alastor looked impressed.
"My, my!" the Radio Demon chuckled, clapping his hands. "Such efficiency! Such brutality! Charlie, I think we’ve found a new head of security. Or perhaps a new chef. She certainly understands the value of a good meal!"
"Sakura-san, that was amazing!" Charlie cried, clapping her hands. "You just... you just handled a Class-4 Haunting with a side of gravy!"
Sakura wiped her mouth with a silk napkin and stood up. The mountain of plates next to her was now taller than Niffty. "It was a minor nuisance. Now, about that diet... do you have any dessert? I find that a light cake helps to settle the stomach after a snack."
"Snack?" Angel Dust choked on his smoke. "Honey, you just ate a whole livestock's worth of Hell-critters."
Before Charlie could respond, a frantic knocking sounded at the front door. Sir Pentious slithered into the dining room, his hood flared in distress.
"Mistress Charlie! There is a... a *thing* at the gate!" the snake demon hissed, his goggles lopsided. "It is tall, it is gray, and it is demanding to speak to the 'Manager of the Underworld' regarding a 'noise complaint' and 'unauthorized soul-snatching'!"
"A noise complaint?" Vaggie frowned. "In Hell?"
"She says her name is Rosie," Pentious continued, "and she’s brought a fleet of cannibals with her! She says someone is 'out-eating' her district and she wants to see the professional responsible!"
Sakura’s eyes sharpened. "A professional eater? From the Cannibal District?"
"Oh, dear," Charlie whispered. "Rosie is an Overlord. If she thinks we’re moving in on her territory..."
"Territory?" Sakura stepped toward the door, her aura flared with a dark, hungry power. "If she wants to contest the title of the most voracious appetite in this realm, I am more than happy to oblige. I haven't even had my second course yet."
"Wait! This is a misunderstanding!" Charlie screamed, chasing after her. "We’re a hotel of peace! No eating contests! No territorial wars!"
"I’ll bet five hundred souls on the nurse," Husk said, not even looking up as he poured another drink.
"I'll take that bet!" Alastor chirped, following the group with a skip in his step. "This is turning into a truly marvelous afternoon!"
***
Outside the hotel gates, Rosie stood with her parasol, surrounded by a dozen dapper cannibals in 1910s attire. She looked elegant, composed, and slightly annoyed.
"Now then," Rosie said, her voice dripping with polite menace. "I was told there was a newcomer in town who managed to bankrupt three of my favorite bistros in the span of twenty minutes. As the representative of Cannibal Town, I find such a lack of etiquette... distressing."
Sakura stepped through the gates, her long hair blowing in the sulfurous wind. She looked Rosie up and down, unimpressed. "I am Sakura. I am on a diet. And your bistros had very small portions."
Rosie blinked, her pitch-black eyes taking in the human woman. "A human? With that kind of capacity? My, my. You certainly don't look like a glutton. You look like a lady of high standing."
"Looks can be deceiving," Sakura replied. "For instance, you look like a charming hostess, but you smell like an open grave."
The cannibals behind Rosie hissed, but the Overlord raised a hand to silence them. She looked at Sakura, then at the Hazbin Hotel, then back at the nurse. A slow, predatory smile spread across her face.
"Well then, Sakura. Since you’re so confident in your 'diet,' perhaps we should have a little demonstration? There is a fresh shipment of... 'exotic meats' arriving at the Emporium. If you can out-eat me and my top three associates, I will grant your little hotel a permanent tax-exempt status in my district."
"And if I lose?" Sakura asked.
"Then you come work for me," Rosie purred. "A nurse with your... talents... would be a wonderful addition to our local clinic. We’re always looking for someone who can handle a heavy workload."
"Sakura-san, you don't have to do this!" Charlie pleaded, clutching her arm.
Sakura gently shook her off. She looked at Rosie with the cold, calculating gaze of a predator. "Deal. But I want a side of pickled ginger. It helps with the digestion."
"She’s going to do it," Ataru whispered to Mendō as they watched from the balcony. "She’s actually going to eat her way into a diplomatic treaty."
"It is truly the Moroboshi era of history," Mendō sighed, pulling a small camera from his pocket. "I must document this. If we ever get back to Tomobiki, no one will believe that the school nurse saved us by consuming an entire neighborhood."
As the group began to march toward Cannibal Town, Lum flew down and landed next to Ataru, her sparks finally fading into a curious glow. "Darling? Why is the nurse-lady going to have a lunch date with the scary mouth-lady?"
"Because, Lum," Ataru said, his eyes following Sakura’s retreating form with a mix of awe and terror. "In this world, or the next, there is one thing you never, ever do."
"What’s that?"
"You never stand between Sakura-san and an all-you-can-eat buffet."